Junkyard Blues

Chapter Seventeen

71 C Chapter Seventeen bortion! That was the word, that word that was going to solve everything. But, he had never thought about it in a way that it would pertain to him, not in the least. He had never seen himself in the crossroad, imploring that word to guide him, to get him out. It had been something for the weak and the cowardly hearted, the lot who were filled with dread when the idea of taking responsibility for their action came about. So he had always believed, never having that nightmare of a dream that one day he would be in that category, that one day he would be… Good God! Abortion!? It was horrible; it was completely inhuman and dirty. It was plain and defenseless murder, but that was the decision, the word he needed to say out loud. It was the decision that had been there in his mind, trapped inside some room covered with hypocrisy, knocking around the room and trying to find a way out. Finally, it was out, the door having been open for it. But… What else was there for him to do? What other option was left for him in this world? God knew it was the last thing he wanted to be thinking about, the horrible sin he did not want to even dream of. But what could he do? Nothing! There’s no other option. You’re at the crossroad and there’s no other direction you can take but this one. He was at a fix and there was only one door out of that fix, one logical door. And even if he hated the look of that door, even if it was dirty and bestial, there was nothing he could do about it. It’s the only option you have. There was no way on earth he could allow Mabel to keep the pregnancy, not only because she was a sad eyed, plain face prostitute, but because doing that would be the wrong thing to do. He could feel it deep inside, it would be the gravest mistake he could ever make in his life, and God knew making her pregnant had been mistake enough. Letting her keep the child was a mistake that could not be made. A child was not just some toy anyone could go and buy from a toy shop. No, a child was a human being, a human being who A 72 was going to need untold amounts of attention; a human being who was going to need a lot of financial support and sacrifice in order to grow up - a child who was going to need all the preparation (financial preparation), before even coming into this world, and not he nor Mabel could afford all that. But it was still an awful decision to make. I’m not capable of coming up with all what it’d need. I can’t even take care of myself. Talk to Derrick! Jude wanted to laugh, that was the worst sounding joke he had ever heard. Talk to Derrick? What was that going to change? Derrick had his own issues, and… I’m already enough burden as it is. You’ve a job… What job? How much was he paid in a month? What could fifteen thousand francs do to him before even talking about a child who was bound to have so many needs and a lot of uncertainties? It was a cruel joke. The truth was that he had nothing, not even prospects for the future. His life itself was a fix and he did not know when it was going to unfix itself. So, the only logic was for the pregnancy to go, to simply disappear, even if he was going to sacrifice so much. He was going to do the unborn child (who was still just a clump of blood and misshaped tissues anyway) a great favor actually. He was saving the child from potential disaster, for attempting to bring that child to the world was nothing but a potential disaster. It was nothing but trying to create another human being like him or worse, a human being who will hate him all its life on earth. And that was a sin! Yes, bringing a child into this world, a child you could not care for was one of the biggest sins on earth. It was a sin that was worse than terminating that child’s yet to begin life...