Road Companion to Democracy and Meritocracy: Further Essays from an African Perspective

32. Kleptocracy and Mendacity as Identification Marks

237 32 Kleptocracy and Mendacity as Identification Marks T he unmistakable identification marks of the political regime which is co-extensive with the Ahidjo dictatorship without being identical with it are kleptocracy and mendacity or in plainer English, stealing and lying. I hope that asserting a difference or distinction within what is co-extensive is in no way problematic, for a continuous entity may, nevertheless, have significant qualitative differences in its spatial or temporal extensions or parts. I have before characterised the Ahidjo end of the single continuous entity under review as pre-eminently dictatorial, but that is no longer our problem except in the sense that what is now our problem is its direct legacy which can be viewed as Ahidjo’s curse on Cameroonians. Does all that sound like the preamble to an inaugural lecture? This is no inaugural lecture but something quite banal and mundane that I am saying. Until I read Boh Herbert’s piece entitled “A 1’ecran cette semaine: le retour de Zero mort” in L’ EXPRESSION N0, 125 of Monday 26 May 1997, I had forgotten the complete catalogue of incredible lies officially told to Cameroonians and the world at large through the mouth-piece of the New Deal regime. Whatever regime will succeed in succeeding the New Deal will have an uphill task restoring the confidence of Cameroonians in democratic processes and in the statements, pronouncements and declarations of the government. This is, by far, the greatest damage that has been done to our body politic. Government is indispensable in all human societies. And to have a human society whose members justifiably have no confidence in its rulers is a very serious matter indeed, a consequence of prolonged systematic mendacity and thievery. Regarding the first term of our title, there is a remarkable story that I have never yet told but which still makes me to chuckle sadly every time I recall it. It happened in 1993 or thereabouts and, if you doubt its authenticity, you can confirm its veracity from Taadom 238 Road Companion to Democracy and Meritocracy Saultan who used to write a column under that same rubric in Cameroon Post in its heyday. Taadom Saultan was a participant ear and eye witness to the remarkable story you are about to read. One day, Taadom Saultan gave me a lift in his car from Bamenda to Yaounde. The other people in the car were his wife and two little kids and a young nephew of his, about 5 years old, with the unusual name of Aquinas. Throughout the journey, I was very “pissed off” with Aquinas because I was very anxious to get to Yaounde as quickly as possible whereas, every few kilometres, the little ‘‘yamhead” said that he wanted to shit. I didn’t ask him if he knew the past tense of shit because we were not communicating in English but rather in local Russian. However, the point is that whenever Taadom stopped for Aquinas to shit, he would come out of the car but then refuse to shit. But, no sooner the journey resumed, than he would start pleading again in his little pathetic voice that he wanted to shit. By the time Taadom had stopped for the third time for Aquinas to shit, and he came out and refused to shit, I was really in a rage and could have caned him had a cane been handy. Then we crossed the Sanaga and started overtaking the sandcarrying lorries in hussed concentration. Taadom, at a point, remarked that when you are driving from Yaounde to Bamenda, you usually find yourself at the Sanaga in no time but that, when coming from Bamenda to Yaounde, after crossing the Sanaga, you would always seem to be chasing Yaounde indefinitely while it seems ever to be receding. At long last, Unity Palace appeared on the horizon and we heaved a sigh of relief. Taadom addressed Aquinas: ‘‘Aquinas, look at that big house on top of the hill there. Do you know who Paul Biya is?” “Yes,” answered Aquinas confidently. “Who is he?” pursued Taadom, expecting the answer “the President of Cameroon” so that he could then teach him that, that is where he lives and that it is called “The Presidency of the Republic or Unity Palace.” 239 Kleptocracy and Mendacity as Identification Marks But Aquinas cleared his little throat and, in his slightly pathetic but clear voice...