Dialogue

Chapter 5

5 Four years of life at the Subsidiary High School came to an end. In leaving Beijing, I only wanted to leave that demonic temptation which was entangling my body. Wei Bo was all advice and instructions: “Whatever happens, don’t tell your parents when you return! If you say anything about it, other people will despise you.” A terrible look shone out of his eyes. “Me?!” My throat tightened as if I had swallowed a dead fly which I could neither gulp down nor cough up. The old man’s manner softened. He squeezed some money into my hand: “Take this, go and buy a dress that you like.” “I don’t want it!” I angrily pushed the money away. “Take it. I just gave you a fright! Nobody can know what’s between us if you don’t tell.” There was an obscene smile in his eyes. After leaving his room I went to a department store in Wangfujing. Looking at clothes in all styles and colours, I hadn’t the slightest desire to buy anything. I really felt very uncomfortable clutching the money he had given me. “Would you like to buy something, Miss?” A pure young woman’s face appeared before me, staring at me. I lowered my head and left the store in a hurry. I immersed myself in the crowd on Wangfujing Avenue, but nothing of all that was around me held any attraction for me. The burning desire was erupting in my body again, a seductive evil which chased me straight back to his place. On the evening before I was to leave, a demonic body accompanied by a voice of terror forced its way into my body: “I want you, I want you, whatever happens don’t tell.…” That night I cried, cried desperately. My parents had transferred back from the Shanghai Painting and Sculpture Institute to the Zhejiang Fine Arts Academy to work. I returned to Hangzhou with a broken heart in tow, returned to my parents’ house which I loved dearly and hated. I said nothing. Outside the window was the vaguely perceived surface of the West Lake, grey and dull, merging with the sky. I stood there. Already, I could no longer cry. Dialogue 48 In the autumn of 1984, I passed the entrance exam for the Oil Painting Department of the Zhejiang Fine Arts Academy. In the class of that year were eleven students, of whom I was the only female. My father was the Head of the Academy, and being his daughter often led to my being the centre of attention at school. When I had just started, the son of one of the Assistant Heads said to me: “You can’t get too far out of line. Whatever you say or do can have an impact on your father.” “Does he have an impact on me, or do I have an impact on him?” In my mind, there was a Gordian knot between me and my father. If I hadn’t been his daughter, could I ever have formed the relationship with his old classmate? Every night when all was quiet, the shade of Wei Bo, like a nightmare, would oppress me so that I couldn’t breathe. Annihilation, then — only in annihilation could my spirit be reborn. I began to seek out the opposite sex. I’d often roam around with a large group of mostly male fellow students, not with any particular purpose, just to have wild fun. Eating, drinking, dancing, talking wildly about any subject, each one of us and everything that emerged from our drunken state all mixed up together, getting into trouble without distinction between male and female, not stopping until I was completely exhausted. This was the only time that I could enter the world of my dreams with a smile. I didn’t think about anything, I was tired, I was drunk, I was slowly forgetting myself in all this. You usually need some pretext to have a good time. I put it to the members of the gang: “Let’s establish a circle to discuss art. What do you say?” “Just for laughs! Go for it!” said a student in a Sichuan accent. “That’s it. Laughs need a point.” I suggested: “Right then, we’ll start tonight, and choose a leader.” “Right. See you outside the school gate at nine o’clock.” Everyone was getting excited. Without further notice we all met up that night. “Whereto?” Somebody...