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It’s like being pulled by two different forces—non-stop. It’s just like that, and it’s never-ending. (Ying, in her early thirties)1 It is one of the central concerns of this book to document and examine lala women’s everyday struggles and strategies in post-reform China. The pressure of marriage, whether it is the pressure to get married or to maintain a marriage, is shared by almost every lala women I met in Shanghai and other cities such as Beijing and Guangzhou. As discussed in the last chapter, the fact that marriage was cited as the major source of pressure in daily life is because most of the informants in this study were in their twenties at the time of interview (the years 2005–11). They were also the dominant group in local lala communities in Shanghai and other cities at that time. Women in China in their early to late twenties are expected to get married. The concerns expressed by informants are reflective of their age, gender and geographical location. For informants, the conflicts were mainly expressed through familial control and the pressure to get married. To endure such conflicts, most of them found themselves seeking solutions in two directions. Some struggled to align themselves with heterosexual norms. Others explored ways to avoid direct confrontation with their families, be they their natal or conjugal families. The heterosexual institution is safeguarded by discourses of familial harmony and collective responsibility. The emphasis on familial harmony in Chinese families is particularly forceful in regulating informants’ relationships with parents and husbands. It is also the major cause pushing some into a self-imposed isolation from their family and heterosexual marriage. For others, it has pushed them into an extreme form of heterosexual acting: the cooperative marriage (hezuo hunyin, or xingshi hunyin), a new form of intimate union and family formed by lalas and gay men under the pressure of marriage. In this chapter, I will discuss the various ways lalas use to cope with the pressure from family and marriage in their everyday life. The first part focuses on the interactions between lalas and their natal family. The second part examines the situation of married lalas in greater detail. Chapter 4 Negotiating the Public and the Private 74 Shanghai Lalas Coping with Family Most informants felt that the biggest pressure of marriage came from their parents. Some may have also experienced similar pressure from friends or coworkers , but it was usually easier for them to dismiss comments from secondary social groups that were more detached from their immediate everyday life. The heavy emotional attachment and responsibility towards their parents that informants imposed on themselves were the major cause of their frustration and guilt over their same-sex sexuality. Siblings seemed neither a significant source of pressure nor support to informants. Informants with siblings usually chose not to tell them about their sexuality. For informants who were the only child, we cannot assume that in all cases they faced more pressure from their parents. This depended on their relationship with their parents, and whether they lived with or away from their parents. It is crucial to consider the changing power dynamics between Chinese parents and the single child, and what impact this has on the lives of tongzhi in family and society. With a growing tongzhi population in China who are from the single-child generation, it is hoped that more studies will be carried out to examine the specific challenges and experiences concerning this internally diverse group. In and out of the closet The biggest struggle for informants was how to reveal to their parents their sexuality and same-sex relationship, and whether they should let them know at all. In China, the act or process of revealing to others one’s sexual orientation is called “chugui” (getting out of the closet). As indicated by the frequency of discussion in cyber forums and offline salon meetings, chugui is the topic that is most talked about and which generates the greatest concern in Shanghai’s lala communities. Many discussions are centred on the decision of chugui—whether one should come out to parents and other acquaintances, the strategic planning of chugui, and its possible consequences. Local lala communities hold different views about chugui. Chugui is usually understood not as a single verbal act, but as an extended process involving long-term effort and careful planning. Most informants did not agree with an impulsive act of chugui to parents...

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