As Normal As Possible: Negotiating Sexuality and Gender in Mainland China and Hong Kong

5 Opening up Marriage: Married Lalas in Shanghai

5 Opening up Marriage: Married Lalas in Shanghai KamYip Lo Lucetta This chapter is part of the research I did during 2005 to 2007 on lala1 individuals and communities in Shanghai. I carried this research during the formative period of identity-based lala communities in China. It is one of the first extensive qualitative studies of tongzhi communities in contemporary urban China. Tracing the development of the inaugurative period in Shanghai, it documented the struggles and strategies of lala women who are the founding members of this emerging community. This chapter can provide ethnographic information to future tongzhi studies in China, especially to lesbian studies in China which are much needed at the time being. During my several field visits from 2005 to 2007, I interviewed twentyfive self-identified lalas in Shanghai. Most of them were introduced to me by a local community leader or by mutual referral between informants. They were women who were in various degrees involved in the local lala community. All of them are citizens of China and are ethnic Chinese. Their ages ranged from early twenties to mid-forties. Nearly all of them had white-collar jobs (or have had white-collar jobs but were studying for a second degree at the time of interview) or self-employed. Most of them lived and worked in Shanghai. A few of them were staying temporarily (e.g., studying a full-time course) and a few worked in nearby cities but came to Shanghai regularly either for home visits or community gatherings. Five of them were in heterosexual marriage and two had children. One of them was in a “co-operative marriage” (or selfarranged marriage with a gay man who is under similar familial pressure to get married). Two informants were about to have co-operative marriage at the time of interview. In this chapter, I will focus on these seven married or about-to-getmarried lala informants. Face-to-face in-depth interviews and participant observations were conducted. The interviews were conducted in Mandarin, Shanghainese or Cantonese. On average, interviews lasted one to two hours each time. For Kam Yip Lo Lucetta 88 some of the informants, a second interview was conducted to gather updated developments of their lives and to follow up topics that were unfinished in the first meeting. In a few cases, I interviewed couples together. Sometimes it was because the couple approached me or were referred to me together and they expected me to interview them together. The other time I did couple interviews because I wanted to invite discussions between them on topics that were related to their relationship. I also carried out individual interviews of each partner in advance to or after the couple interview for more personal or private information. One recurring theme that always came up in the interviews is the conflicts between family and marriage, and my informants’ same-sex desire and relationship. The pressure of family and marriage has been mentioned in many studies of lesbians and gays in China or in Chinese societies elsewhere (Zhou 2000; Li 2002a, 2002c; Zheng 1997). In this chapter, I will demonstrate the dual lives that many married lalas in Shanghai are living now and the ways they used to accommodate their same-sex desire and relationship in a heterosexual marriage, or for some, to survive the ever increasing pressure from their family when they are approaching the so-called suitable age for marriage. Other social groups such as relatives, peer groups (ex-classmates or close friends), and coworkers can also be major players to pressure unmarried informants to find a mate. Or in many cases, informants’ parents would be questioned by relatives, friends, or even neighbours if their daughter remains single for too long after university graduation. It is not unusual for them to demand the parents concerned to take a more active role to find a suitable mate for their daughter. Yet the pressure to get married and to remain in a heterosexual marriage is undoubtedly most felt by the daughters. Not only do they need to cope with the expectations of parents, but also the challenges of performing the role of wife (and mother) if they are married and the social stigma of homosexuality. I will detail the sources and forms of pressure that married lalas are facing, and in this context, to discuss the emergence of “co-operative marriage”, a new form of intimate union and family formed by lalas and gay men in contemporary urban China...