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3฀ A฀Personal฀Journey:฀The฀Physician,฀the฀ Researcher,฀the฀Relative,฀and฀the฀Patient฀ Yvonne฀Yi฀Wood฀MA K฀ Introduction฀ Palliative care is not about dying, and bereavement is not about crying. Rather, they are abou t connecting, caring , and respectin g — the essence of living. If you dare to add som e passion, you might even be seduced by them, a s I have been. Health-care professionals involved in palliative care often find their work rewarding an d inspiring , whereas other s no t familia r wit h it s beauty ofte n comment, "I t must be s o depressing!" In reality , carin g for peopl e who ar e dying can be enriching because every patient narrative is an experience fro m which we can reflect and learn. Over time, care-givers acquire flexibility in their caring an d communication , a health y attitud e t o livin g an d dying , an d a creative frame o f mind i n facing challenge s in life . If we apply the art of palliative care to our lives, our everyday experiences, especially crises , ca n als o becom e lessons . (Life , however , ca n becom e overwhelming if we take every experience to o seriously.) Th e difficul t par t is that the "test " must come before th e "lesson" . We cannot prepare for th e tes t beforehand, bu t we can reflec t afterward s an d lear n experientially . We ar e fortunate compare d t o the terminally ill, who often hav e neither th e time no r the energy to reflect thoroughly but can only undertake a brief life-review amid their physica l and menta l exhaustion . Thus , if we have the tim e an d energ y but choos e no t t o lear n fro m ou r experiences , w e suffe r i n vain an d den y ourselves opportunitie s fo r healin g an d persona l growth . Then , sufferin g results in only negative experiences to which we say understandably, "Oh ! It's too much ; I' m bette r of f dead! " o r "I f you hav e t o suffer , you'r e bette r of f dead!" Although suffering i s inevitable, we do not live to suffer; we suffer i n orde r to learn t o live . I consider mysel f fortunate t o be a palliative car e physicia n and researcher , an d no t that unfortunate havin g been bereaved, a relative of cancer patients , and no w a cancer patient . This journey coul d b e perceive d as cruel. As my professor onc e said to me, "How much mor e is God going t o 32฀Yvonne ฀Yi฀Wood฀MAK฀ torture this poor girl?" It has been bearable so far, though intolerable at times. It has been a n invaluable experience, full of very thought-provoking an d soulsearching times . I have pondered , "I s it fair t o be afflicte d wit h calamitie s sooner rathe r tha n later? " I think th e answe r i s "Yes", since observing and personall y experiencin g cancer and loss have moulded m e gradually to become mor e authentic in my living. I have learned t o appreciate family, friends, colleagues , and th e "take n for granted" in my daily experiences, to grasp some understanding about bot h the meanin g an d meaninglessnes s i n life . Ove r th e years , thi s journey o f suffering ha s transcende d int o a journey o f healing, i n which I have finall y found courage , following man y inspirational example s of my patients, to fac e my own wounds. Such experiences have transformed m e into a human "being " instead o f "doing" . This chapte r aim s t o give you a personal perspectiv e t o understandin g palliative care throug h experientia l learning , reflective practice , and creativ e writing.1 I hav e writte n m y journey a s a narrative , expressin g m y interna l communication with my inner self; my external communication with my family, friends, patient s and colleagues ; and my eternal connection with God. Thes e writings includ e excerpt s fro m m y diary, letters, lectures, an d non-medica l literature a s a way to describe an d...

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