Reclaiming the L-Word: Sappho's Daughters out in Africa

My journey

(:/02(4(/(9(1 is the Health Coordinator for the Gay and Lesbian Network in Pietermaritzburg, KwaZulu-Natal, an organisation that caters for the specific and particular health needs of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender & Intersex community.  4@16<95,@ (:/02(4(/(9(1 IwasbornandbroughtupinLadysmith,andattendedtheLadysmith Secondary School, a public school which comprised mainly Indian pupils, although there were a few black and coloured kids as well. After finishing Matric there I came to Pietermaritzburg, to the university of KwaZulu-Natal to study Social Science. I completed my bachelor’s degree in 2003, majoring in psychology, sociology and politics, and am presently finishing off my Masters, with just the dissertation to complete. In terms of my sexuality, at about the age of ten or eleven I began to realise that there was something different about me – not quite “normal”. I couldn’t understand what the difference was all about, because when I compared myself to my three sisters, who were older than me, they wanted to do all these “girl” things that just didn’t interest me at all. I was much more interested in changing a car tyre, or something like that. But it didn’t faze me too much because I was still young, and one just lets things slip by. What I did know was that I was attracted to girls, especially to my female teachers, which didn’t make too much sense at that point. However, I just continued to be myself and focused on finishing school and going off to study somewhere. So my sexuality didn’t impact too much at that point. When I came to Pietermaritzburg to University things took a change. I started meeting gay people, specifically a couple of gay guys who became friends, and I noticed that they were different. At first I couldn’t quite work out exactly what was different, but after a while, just hanging out with them and socialising, I began to see the difference. I had heard of people who were gay or lesbian, but at that point didn’t know how to define it. I got into a relationship with a guy because I was still not sure what was going on, and I thought I had better go down that road and see what it was all about. I was searching for some clarity. Things seemed to be working out, until  (:/02(4(/(9(1 some friends said they had a lesbian friend for me, and I was, like, “No, I’m not interested in women.” So, that was my stage of denial. But anyway, they gave this girl my number; she got hold of me, and the very next day she was there to see me, wanting to pursue a relationship. We ended up going out for five years, which was fairly amazing for somebody who had said she wasn’t interested! Because it was my first relationship I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it turned out to be very nice. Eventually it didn’t work out, because she was a Christian and had this feeling that it was sinful. It was her problem, not mine, but although we broke up we still keep in contact. So, that’s how I got to know more about the “other side”. From then on I had other relationships with women and I enjoyed them. At one stage I thought I could identify myself as bisexual, as I had had one sexual relationship with a guy. However, I slowly came to the realisation that I must accept myself for who I am, and that I’m not interested in guys. It wasn’t for me. The more I socialised with my friends, the more I came to accept who I was. At one stage, because I was confused about my sexuality, I decided to go to the campus student counselling centre and speak to a psychologist, as I thought it might help to clear up my thinking. Also, I wanted to be more informed as a lesbian and I thought that, when I spoke to my family about my sexuality, I could say that I had spoken to a psychologist about it. It did help in a hazy kind of way, but what really helped me was finally finding out about the gay and lesbian community and the organisation. Then I met other lesbian people and found out about what other people were going through. I began to feel at ease and that I was no longer an outcast, and this made me feel much more empowered. At this time, while I was in Pietermaritzburg, I started coming out and being open about my sexuality, and decided that I needed to tell my family in Ladysmith that I was not straight: that I was a lesbian. The first person whom I actually told was my sister-inlaw , and then my sister, because she was also studying on campus and word was beginning to go around that I was not straight. They were both quite tolerant of it, but not really comfortable with it. My sister had always told me that I should not cut my hair so short, and she now said I should just keep a low profile about the whole  4@16<95,@ situation. But, I didn’t really care what they thought. Eventually I told my other siblings, and they were also OK about it, but not really comfortable, and they asked me not to bring any of my girlfriends home with me. So whenever I took one of my girlfriends home, I just said she was one of my friends. I don’t know if they believed me or not, but they seemed to take it at face value. A few years later, after my mother had passed away from cancer, my siblings asked me to tell my father that I was a lesbian. Although I didn’t ever get a chance to tell my mother, I think she always knew; I think every parent always knows. So, I told my Dad and his first reaction was, “Have you seen a doctor?” I said, “Well, I have been to a psychologist, but it’s not something that we can actually change.” He apparently thought it was a medical condition that you could fix. After that he was sort-of OK, but he still had expectations of me being married some day, and that’s never going to happen. My family kept trying to persuade me to keep a low profile and not say anything about it, and not put it out in public because people would talk and whatever. Indian communities are very conscious of things that are different being an embarrassment – even smoking. And sexuality is a much bigger thing to deal with. Obviously, because of who I am and because I consider myself to be a lesbian activist, I couldn’t keep it private, and I was interviewed by the Post newspaper, an Indian publication. I spoke about breaking the stereotypes of sexual orientation, especially in Indian communities. And, wow, there was my photo in the paper, and my family saw it there. I had been in newspapers previously, but they had never seen the articles, so I just thought, well I’ll do it anyway and probably they won’t see it. But this time they actually saw it, and they phoned me. They were very shocked and asked the reason for me going to the paper. I tried to explain, but they were very upset and they disowned me, telling me to make my own way in life because I was an embarrassment and a disgrace to the family. They said every bad thing you could think of. So I decided I would have to live my life my own way, because they had said I was not to contact them at all. However, later they seemed to realise that they had made a mistake, and my relationship with the family is actually improving  (:/02(4(/(9(1 now, and they have come to accept that I will bring a partner home and that I might even get married to a woman. But it will never be seen in the same light as a heterosexual relationship. Still today most of the focus is on heterosexual relationships, and it’s like mine is non-existent. How I got to be at the Gay and Lesbian Network, is that I met Anthony Waldhausen when I was studying on campus. He had just started a support group there. I decided to join, as it seemed to be another avenue to meet people; it’s very difficult to find gay and lesbian people. Anthony directed me to the organisation, and I became a volunteer in 2004. I worked there as a volunteer until 2007, and I really am passionate about lesbian/gay/bisexual/ transsexual/intersex (LGBTI) issues – not just because I am a lesbian, but because I want to help change people’s attitudes about gay and lesbian people. Also, because of the hardship that I went through myself, I’d like to help others to make an easier transition to accepting themselves. Last year I started working for the organisation as a salaried intern, and this year I was asked to be the coordinator of the health programme, which is a great improvement on being an intern. The health programme deals with the emotional, psychosocial, and physical wellbeing of LGBTI people. We do a lot of counselling, telephone and face-to-face, and run workshops on sexual awareness, positive living and treatment literacy. Much of the focus is on HIV/Aids. We also have support groups for those who are HIV positive, and an open group for anybody who is infected or affected by HIV. There is also a group for both men and women who have been abused in some way, and there are support groups for parents of LGBTI children. In 2010 a new group was started for gays and lesbians on campus. Members of the Gay and Lesbian Network sit on councils for HIV to make sure that LGBTI issues are mainstreamed, as often only the needs of heterosexual people are addressed. All this experience has made me passionate about being an activist for LGBTI issues. I am very open about my sexuality, but because my family is so closeted I am happier in Pietermaritzburg. I know that if I go back home again I am going to be trapped: put in a box. At this point in my life I am very happy because I have dealt with a whole  4@16<95,@ lot of issues that I had about my sexual orientation. I feel I know who I am and I’m comfortable with myself, and that makes me confident. The only thing that worries me about being a lesbian is the issue of hate crimes. Considering that I am quite petite, I think I’m an easy target. If people recognise you – and lots of people know I’m working for the Network – you can become the focus of homophobia, and there’s lots of homophobia out there. There have been a few lesbian attacks in Pietermaritzburg: assault rather than anything worse. I have recently had a partner who is just a year older than me, is white and works in town. We only started dating after we had known each other for about three years. Sometimes her being of a different race group made things a bit tricky, because, first, people have to deal with the fact that you’re lesbian and then, second, they see that she’s of a different race group – so there are two issues to be dealt with. We are both quite open about our sexuality, not minding holding hands in public, which sometimes seems to confuse some people. In 2004 I had the experience of going to a nightclub in central Pietermaritzburg with my partner and some friends who are black. We decided that, for reasons of safety, we should not go to the toilets alone but together. Some guys who had been watching us, and who we knew had identified us as a lesbian couple, followed us into the toilets and they started banging on the door so hard that we thought they were going to break it down, and yelling that we should get out of there. We were very shocked and scared and felt that we were on the point of being raped if they managed to break down that door. They put their arms under the bottom of the door and tried to grab our legs. So we used our cell phone and called our friends who were in the club, and told them to come and rescue us. We decided that the best thing was to leave the club as soon as we could. We thought we should go to the police to report it, but they treated the whole thing as a joke and we didn’t have the energy to try and pursue it any further. At some point I would like to get married, which leads me to the question of the Civil Union Bill. As an organisation, the Network was involved in the process leading up to the passing of the Civil Union Bill. We were involved in signing petitions and we (:/02(4(/(9(1 marched. I feel proud that I contributed towards something like that but, although it’s there for the gay and lesbian community, for some people, especially in the Indian culture, it’s very difficult. What it means is that, if I want to get married, I’m not going to find a Hindu priest who is prepared to marry me in a religious way. So, although the Constitution allows for it, it’s still difficult at a traditional level. To some extent Hinduism is very tolerant, but we have lots of things that are taboo and are swept under the carpet, and one of these is homosexuality. So religion limits and constrains you; for example, I don’t like wearing a dress, but if I want to go to a place of worship I would have to wear a dress or a skirt, and that’s not OK for me. For this reason I’m not really too much into religion, because they don’t cater for LGBTI people. I know many think it’s a matter of respect, how you dress, but it’s just fitting into society’s construct of what is a male and a female, a stereotype, and it totally sucks. I don’t think that most people understand that gender is a complex matter. They just think that men do this and women do that, and it’s a very narrow-minded view. One of the problems with the Civil Union Bill is that I have heard that some people complain that it is too difficult to make a date with Home Affairs, as they are always told that it is fully booked, so you wonder whether there is a reluctance there to perform this function. And others have complained of being rudely treated when they go there. So there still needs to be lots of sensitisation to gay and lesbian issues, also in health centres and police stations. Often when gay and lesbian people go to report rape, the police laugh and say how is it possible that a man can rape another man, or a woman beat up a woman, and they won’t take a statement. In terms of the laws passed recently, I don’t think that LGBTI rights are sufficiently protected. For instance, there is no legislation dealing with hate crimes, so that is another challenge that has to be met. Apart from that, the media tends to be very heterosexist, and little is reported about gay and lesbian concerns. Even the HIV/Aids reporting is very directed towards the heterosexual community, with little concentration on the involvement of LGBTI people in the pandemic. There is still much discrimination about gay and lesbian people adopting children, and considerable negative feeling about  4@16<95,@ same-sex couples raising children, while generally the existence of single-head, all female households is overlooked, and there is no sense of prejudice against them. I’ve gained valuable experience with the Network, and I’ve really loved working here and am passionate about the issues. However, I would like to look for some other employment that is more related to my sociology training – something like research or communications. Working for a non-profit organisation does have constraints, and there are many more things I want to do. And, as you get older, there are other things you want from life. So, yes, money is a consideration, and I would also like to better my life and have new challenges. I have applied for jobs and have listed my time in the Gay and Lesbian Network as part of my previous experience. But, because I haven’t had much interest shown in the sense of anyone wanting to interview me, my friends have said that perhaps I should leave that out as it might put people off. Interestingly, when I took it out of my CV I actually got some interviews, so I wonder if it was seen as a problem. Some people who saw it on my CV would ask: “So, what is your sexual orientation?” I found this quite offensive because you’re not supposed to be judged on your sexual orientation, but on the quality of your work, and, in fact it’s against the Constitution to use that against you. It’s at times like this that I really get the strong feeling that we are not well protected, as there is still so much discrimination going on. It’s all very well for the Constitution to demand all these good laws, but at the ground level they don’t work very well. There is just so much more that needs to be done, especially in terms of sensitising people, creating awareness, and learning not to categorise people. Why do we always have to put people in boxes? Some day there should come a point when we will no longer need to fight for LGBTI rights any more. When that time comes, we will all be treated equally, and it will not matter whether you are gay, lesbian, or whatever. Because, in the end, being homosexual is just a small part of your life, who you are and what you have to offer. ...