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44 The hill I have lived here long enough on this hill to believe it after all I’m almost fifty dune river valley sky sea what do you mean: believe I mean: really: this material: this work, this existence I’ve always believed actually just for a while couldn’t see the metaphor for what was the matter for my mother shot herself like her mother shot herself and I fell (like I couldn’t see my arse for my elbow) in love with someone else to tell myself as I told my brother and the first thing he said as we stood on the track on the hill between the graveyard and the compost heap: god must have wanted it ...

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