Man in the Moon: Essays on Fathers and Fatherhood

Son of Mr. Green Jeans

86 Allen, Tim Best known as the father on abc’s Home Improvement (1991–99), the popular comedian was born Timothy Allen Dick on June 13, 1953. When Allen was eleven years old, his father, Gerald Dick, was killed by a drunk driver while driving home from a University of Colorado football game. Bees “A man, after impregnating the woman, could drop dead,” critic Camille Paglia suggested to Tim Allen in a 1995 Esquire interview. “That is how peripheral he is to the whole thing.” “I’m a drone,” Allen responded. “Like those bees?” “You are a drone,” Paglia agreed. “That’s exactly right.” Carp After the female Japanese carp gives birth to hundreds of tiny babies , the father carp remains nearby. When he senses approaching danger, he will suck the helpless babies into his mouth, and hold them safely there until the coast is clear. Divorce University of Arizona psychologist Sanford Braver tells a disturbing Dinty W. Moore son of mr. green jeans: a meditation on missing fathers 87 son of mr. green jeans story of a woman who felt threatened by her husband’s close bond with their young son. The husband had a flexible work schedule, but the wife did not, so the boy spent the bulk of his time with the father. The mother became so jealous of the tight father-son relationship that she eventually filed for divorce and successfully fought for sole custody. The result was that instead of being in the care of his father while the mother worked, the boy was now left in daycare. Emperor Penguins Once a male emperor penguin has completed the act of mating, he remains by the female’s side for the next month to determine if he is indeed about to become a father. When he sees a single greenishwhite egg emerge from his mate’s egg pouch, he begins to sing. Scientists have characterized his song as “ecstatic.” Father Knows Best In 1949 Robert Young began Father Knows Best as a radio show. Young played Jim Anderson, an average father in an average family . The show later moved to television, where it was a substantial hit. Young’s successful life, however, concluded in a tragedy of alcohol and depression. In January 1991, at age eighty-three, he attempted suicide by running a hose from his car’s exhaust pipe to the interior of the vehicle. The attempt failed because the battery was dead and the car wouldn’t start. Green Genes In Dublin, Ireland, a team of geneticists has been conducting a study to determine the origins of the Irish people. By analyzing segments of dna from residents across different parts of the Irish countryside, then comparing this dna with corresponding dna segments from people elsewhere in Europe, the investigators hope to determine the derivation of Ireland’s true forefathers. 88 Dinty W. Moore Hugh Beaumont The actor who portrayed the benevolent father on the popular tv show Leave It to Beaver was a Methodist minister. Tony Dow, who played older brother Wally, reports that Beaumont didn’t care much for television and actually hated kids. “Hugh wanted out of the show after the second season,” Dow told the Toronto Sun. “He thought he should be doing films and things.” Inheritance My own Irish forefather was a newspaperman, owned a popular nightclub, ran for mayor, and smuggled rum in a speedboat during Prohibition. He smoked, drank, ate nothing but red meat, and died of a heart attack in 1938. His one son—my father—was only a teenager when his father died. I never learned more than the barest details about my grandfather from my father, despite my persistent questions. Other relatives tell me that the relationship had been strained. My father was a skinny, eager-to-please little boy, battered by allergies, and not the tough guy his father had apparently wanted. My dad lost his mother at age three and later developed a severe stuttering problem, perhaps as a result of his father’s sharp disapproval . My father’s adult vocabulary was outstanding, due to his need for alternate words when faltering over hard consonants like B or D. The stuttering grew worse over the years, with one noteworthy exception: after downing a few shots of Canadian whiskey, my father could muster a stunning, honey-rich Irish baritone. His impromptu vocal performances became legend in local taverns, and by the time...