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2. A Glint of Copper
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2 2 A A G GL LI IN NT T O OF F C CO OP PP PE ER R That was some time before the event which began his rapid decline: the mischievous switching of portraits; and the event that accelerated his rapid decline: the accident in Robert Mugabe Way. George taught English at Boys and Girls Come Out to Play Secondary School, a private establishment situated in the not so leafy suburbs of Bulawayo. This school was to be visited by the Deputy Secretary for Education and Rural Beauty Pageants, and he was to be accompanied by an entourage of sixty government officials. Well, King Lear demanded a hundred; so what’s the complaint? I mean! And don’t forget Lear was retired, crawling his way toward death, not burdened with responsibilities like the Deputy Secretary whose oldest son, Fuchsware, had recently written off his parliamentary tractor, a Massey Ferguson if you please, just weeks before the mother of all agricultural seasons was about to begin! So if an Englishman can do it, why can’t I? Besides, these private schools were renowned for the slap-up lunches they provided on politically sensitive occasions. George had been entrusted with the job of making sure that the President ’s portrait would be hanging in any of the rooms that the Deputy Secretary cared to visit. Unfortunately there was only one portrait of the President. It used to hang in the school hall but was now nowhere to be found. George made the mistake of consulting the class for which he was Form teacher: 3 Remove, the bottom stream. The naughtiest boys and girls of the entire school were in this class, none naughtier than Ivan ‘the terrible’ McKaufmann. George should have smelt a rat when Ivan offered to help him find the missing portrait, but George was desperate, and exhausted. The morning had begun with his Sixth Form class – a lesson on Emily Brontë’s method of using dogs to further the plot of Wuthering Heights. The only way he could get these yahoos the slightest bit interested in their 5 Advanced Level set work was to portray Heathcliff as a werewolf and Cathy as a nymphomaniac. Othello was worse: he had to teach it as a comedy . As for Andrew Marvell: buggery, bestiality, paederasty – even a bit of normal sex. God knows what the Cambridge examiners made of his pupils’ scripts. With glowing cheeks, he re-lived the lesson. [Typical classroom hubbub over which George speaks. Distinct sound of Brenda Fassie singing ‘Vulindela’] GEORGE: Cut that music! [music stops] Moyo, will you please stop tapping your pen on your tooth and answer my question? MOYO: Sorry Sir. What was the question? GEORGE: [sighing with irritation] How does the author use dogs to get Lockwood into the bed with panelled sides so that the crucial dream can take place? MOYO: What dream, Sir? GEORGE: Moyo, we’ve read it half a dozen times! You know, where Cathy symbolically loses her virginity. Quote: ‘I pulled its wrist on to the broken pane, and rubbed it to and fro till the blood ran down and soaked the bedclothes…’ [A bunch of boys at the back begin to chant] Let her in, let her in, let her in… GEORGE: Quiet! And it’s ‘me’, not ‘her’! Can anybody else answer my question? MUKADAM: What question’s that, Sir? GEORGE: What do you mean ‘what question’s that’? Why aren’t you paying attention? CHORUS OF VOICES: It’s Eid, Sir; he’s fasting. GEORGE: Well then, what about you, Sabina? How does Emily Brontë use dogs to get Lockwood into Cathy’s old room? SABINA: That bulldog bites her ankle, Sir… GEORGE: No, no, no, Sabina. That’s what gets Cathy in to Thrushcross Grange, where she meets her future husJONES : Sir, does Edgar know that Cathy has lost her virginity when he 6 [18.233.223.189] Project MUSE (2024-03-28 11:13 GMT) asks her to marry him? SIBANDA: Don’t be stupid, man! Girls don’t tell those things… PARSHOTAM: They use chicken blood, don’t they, Sir? LERTITIA: Rubbish! You boys don’t know what you talking about! GEORGE: I… VAN RENSBURG: Sir, was Heathcliff normal or was he a werewolf when he made love to Cathy? SIBANDA: Don’t be stupid, man. He did it at night so he must of been a werewolf. GEORGE: I… boys, girls, can we get back to the question? NEW...