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In the Hospital
- The University of Akron Press
- Chapter
- Additional Information
98 in the hospital So we see the landscape of being alive at last! At last, after a long time of traveling we’ve arrived here, in the middle of the night, where we can really feel completely abandoned! Here anything visible turns out to be rocks. All there are, are these definite impressions, all so clear-cut that the shapes of the languageneededtodescribethemthreatentocutoff littlepiecesof thetongue, the lips, the chin, nose, hands, feet, and other organs. The subjects for which thereareideas,andtheideasforwhichtherearesubjects,allsuggestthateven in case of the most extreme suffering or torture, nobody ought to look for sympathy.EvendownattheHospital,ononeof thebrand-newdeathbedsthey havethere—theoneswiththebuilt-intelevisionsets—youmighthavetohold your own hand. And as for daily life, the way things are now, it is clear that the only things people feel like hearing about less than your illnesses are your inconveniences.Tohealthepainonedependsonhavingenoughmedicine;for a complete cure, one waits for time and nothing else. Earlier expectations, the ones you had as an innocent invalid individual, were probably impossible anyway; didn’t they come from theorists whose beliefs were celebrated to the degreethattheywereeitherunbelievableorcouldnotberealized?Now,atlast, you yourself are responsible for whatever reverie you have left. And all you dream of now is a hand on your forehead during light fevers, the fevers which havealwaysbeenyourfirmestimpressions,thekindof feveryouhadasachild andwhichsentyourparentsbackandforthdownthehalltoyourbedroomon tiptoeallnight.Butbesidesthishand,youdreamof oneotherthing:whenyou arewellandrunning,anarmtokeepyoufromfalling.Eventhemetalone,with silver fingernails, which took such good care of you when you were asleep at thedentist.Butonwaking,asIdonowattheendof this,defendyourself from memory; O Memory, when you and I were alone, and cried out in real or imagined pain, don’t remind me now, when I feel like this, of a mother who never believed in weaknesses either, of the midnight angers of the father. ...