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97 christmas on earth and other vacations with pay (1) Their famous curious position: almost everybody knows it; but of course almost nobody believes it. What they insist on is that it is better to give than toreceive;and,byimplication,thatthebestblessingsaretheonesdenied,and by extension, that to reject and to donate are identical. They dream all their livesof suchabandonedrichness!Naturally,thissubjectstheirsenseof personal worthtothemostoutrageousinflation.Therefore,itisusefultotheunprejudiced observer to consider whether these gifts they imagine they have denied were actually intended for them in the first place; also, whether if—should they eventuallyreceivethem—itwillsimplybebecausetherewasnooneelsearound to give them to at the time. And if the latter happens to be true, why couldn’t they have been asked to take these gifts into at least temporary safekeeping untiltheadventof therightfulowner?Couldn’ttheyhavebeentrusted?(2)In any case, because of their famous curious positions, it must be that Christmas onEarthishere.TheChildrenandIspendalldaysinginginthestreets,making generous gestures along Fifth Avenue, and looking for the poor there with magnifying glasses. Also, all of us are leaning forward slightly, as if expecting something.ButwhatisIt?Allweknowforsureisthatitis“gifts”;andthatthey must be coming from someplace else than this. (3) Yet why, every year so far, on the night after Christmas, do I have this vision of God getting up in the middleof thenight,goingtothebathroom,andflinchingatfindingtheremains of allthistinselonhisnose?(4)AndasforourEastertime:itisanInterruption to the Resurrection. Here comes our old friend the Easter Bunny now; he is covered in black synthetic polyester fur, carrying two submarine guns, and occasionally taking target practice by firing into the air from the hip. ...

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