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ix INTRODUCTION “Why Would I Have Ever Cut Myself?” Patricia Hatch Wallace Journal on Surviving Literary Suicide English 581 July 28, 2003 I saw the reading list for this course in the summer catalog. It intrigued me, as did the course description. I was taking a spring semester class at the time, and I asked a woman who sat next to me if she had ever taken Jeffrey Berman for anything. She said she had, and that he was excellent. I decided to register for this course, and I promptly set out finding the books. I shop a lot on Half.com for textbooks and novels, and honestly expected to find the books I needed available for purchase—except yours. Why did I think that? Maybe because I had in mind a “local author” and I wasn’t sure your book was being used nationwide. Well, I was wrong, as I am sure you know. I was able to get your book on Half.com, and it was the first one I received. I began reading it almost right away with great interest. First, the subject matter seemed very interesting to me. I was finishing up a course on Joan Didion and Ernest Hemingway, so I read chapter 4 [“Ernest Hemingway’s Suicideophobia ”] first. I immediately liked your prose style, and the very conversational tone of your writing. I thought to myself, I am going to love this class. I didn’t read the rest of Surviving Literary Suicide until I saw our course syllabus. While part of me was relieved that we didn’t have to read the whole book, the other part of me knew I would read it anyway. Chapter 1 is very eye-opening to say the least. The statistics on suicidal thinking make a lot of sense. I am a high school teacher, and it helps me to have these figures reinforced, so I am more alert to the very real possibility/probability that some of my own students are considering suicide as an option. It also brings to mind my own very painful adolescence, and the times I cut my arms and wrists. No, I never cut deeply enough to kill myself. It wasn’t until many years afterward, while reading Reviving Ophelia and working in a residen27460 frontmatter.indd ix 27460 frontmatter.indd ix 10/2/07 2:03:31 PM 10/2/07 2:03:31 PM x INTRODUCTION tial school with very troubled kids and girls who cut themselves, that I began to understand my own self-destructive behaviors. As a teenager, I was so hurt inside that I needed to manifest that pain on the outside as well, where it made sense and I could actually see my pain. How difficult it is for me to even think about that—recall it—share it with you. My own husband does not know I was a cutter. My parents refused to see it. I have distanced myself so much from the me of 17 years ago, it seems like I am thinking about a different person. But, upon scrutiny of the inside of my left forearm, halfway between my wrist and elbow, there is a very clear scar in the shape of a heart. How this has escaped the notice of people for so long I don’t know— maybe they are just too polite or embarrassed to say anything. After all, I am a teacher, I am finishing my second master’s degree, and I live a “normal ” life—why would I have ever cut myself? Good question. I don’t know anyone who has committed suicide. I contemplated it many times in my youth, but, being the eternal optimist, I always thought, hey, I’ll just wait and see if things get better. If not, I can always kill myself later! I wonder about Sylvia Plath, and what made her fail at so many attempts. Was she really trying? Did part of her have the will to live—enough to thwart her attempt? And in chapter 2 of Surviving Literary Suicide [“Romanticizing Suicide in Kate Chopin’s Awakening”], thinking about Edna—did she have other options? Maybe she could have just gone on with her life the way it was. It didn’t seem so bad. It’s so easy as an outsider, and someone who has become a very positive person, to say, “Why would anyone do that?” But, this book has really helped to open my eyes...

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