My Eyes Feel They Need to Cry: Stories from the Formerly Homeless

Chapter Five. Resilience from Memory, Hopes, and Dreams

139 chapter five Resilience from Memory, Hopes, and Dreams Theworldbreakseveryone,andafterward,somearestrongatthebrokenplaces. —Ernest Hemingway, AFarewelltoArms THE MAKING OF RESILIENCE Thosewhohavebeenhomelessstrugglewithlayersofproblemsandtraumasaschildren , teenagers, and adults, and the painful memories of these experiences—some remembered, some repressed. But these peoplealso strive, as we all do, to create and realizetheirdreams—someconcrete,someabstract.Theyhavebeenprimarilyfamiliar with one way of life stacked with negative experiences. Roadblocks have chronically interferedwiththeirabilitytomovetheirlivesforward.However,byrememberingpast pain and feelings, crying and grieving, sometimes we heal our old wounds and more space becomes available in our inner worlds for hopes and dreams and courage. If we share and transform the pain through words, art, and music, our emotional burden may lighten as we then access new, brighter thoughts for the future. While some people realize they want and need to find a new path, and must abandon their old destructive habits to find it, they cannot necessarily conceptualize the new journey of their lives, because it is unfamiliar. It does not resemble anything Chapter Five 140 they have ever known in their personal history or their parents’ history or that of their ancestors. They are understandably afraid. So,howdoesahumanbeingwhohassufferedasmuchasthesepeoplehave,even begin to dream or envision a new life or create a new self-definition? Without a map, how do they find a new way? What is resilience and who are the resilient? According to psychologist Al Siebert, Resiliencymeansbeingabletobouncebackfromlifedevelopmentsthatmayfeel totally overwhelming at first. When resilient people have their lives disrupted they handle their feelings in healthy ways. They allow themselves to feel grief, anger, loss and confusion when hurt and distressed, but they don’t let it become a permanent feeling state. . . . This is why resilient people usually handle major difficulties easier than others. They expect to rebuild their disrupted lives in a new way that works for them, and the struggle to overcome adversity develops new strengths in them. (Siebert 2005, 5) Fromtheverybeginningofthisbook,Ihavetalkedaboutmyfascinationwith,and respectfor,peoplewhoareresilient,andIoftenwonderwhyandhowsomepeoplereboundafterexperiencingtraumaandtragedywhileothersstaystuckintheirgrief .Ihad thewonderfulprivilegeofmeetingandtalkingwithDarleneA.G.Groomes,anassociate professorofhumandevelopmentandchildstudiesatOaklandUniversityinRochester, Michigan.Darlenespecializesinresearchonadaptationtodisabilityandevaluationof programsthatserveindividualswithdisabilities—specificallytherelationshipbetween hardiness/resilienceandeffectiveadaptation.Sheofferedthisperspectiveonthepeople who participated in “Your Story and Mine: A Community of Hope”: The individuals’ lives in these particular stories traversed many experiences that are filled with fear, roadblocks, and hardship. They have bounced back and shown promise of adaptive behavior, not only because of the successful literacy programinwhichtheyparticipated,butalsobecauseofthestepstheyhavetaken to commit toward accepting themselves for who they have become. These individuals have transformed because they have aligned their personalities with levels of personal competence to meet goals of literacy, shelter, and life with less fear. These individuals are successful because at the heart of their being lies a person willing to act despite experiences that are difficult and, at times, dangerous. The act of moving beyond fear and aligning the self with goals that can be met, and which inform future acts in face of challenge, creates resilience. Like a rubber band, these individuals make an effort to bounce, Re silie nc e from Memory, Hopes, and Dreams 141 rather than to snap and to let defeat have an effect on the accomplishment of their goals. The mentors involved in this project offered their thoughts about resilience as well.Tonisaidthatsomechildrensurviveprofoundlydifficultexperiences.“Somewho are hung by their heels outside their window are extremely resilient. Other children becomelikeaSybil.Theyareextremelyfragileandbreakapartintomanypieces.They just never get out of it. Some people have more inner resources. Maybe they are born with them. I do not know.” Allyson also talked about the importance of mentors in childhood and adulthood .“ThereisresearchnowaboutaresiliencegeneinyourDNA—youmaybebetter predisposedatresiliencethanothers.Itgivesyouabettershotathandlingthesituation with everything you are facing.” I wonder if hopes and dreams are the result of negative or positive experiences, or if perhaps they have an independent life and direction of their own. How do these people conceptualize their dreams and become motivated to pursue them? Does the pain become too much and the soul cannot accommodate any more sorrow? How does a person begin to take steps to move in a new direction? A change of attitude, if possible, can help, according to Shakti Gawain: “When wearenegativeandfearful,insecureoranxiouswewilltendtoattracttheveryexperiences , situations, or people that we are seeking to avoid. If we are basically positive in attitude, expecting and envisioning pleasure, satisfaction and happiness, we will attractandcreatepeople,situations,andeventswhichconformtoourpositiveexpectations . So the more positive energy we put into imaging what we want, the more it begins to manifest in our lives” (Gawain 1978, 7). AccordingtopsychologistAlSeibert,hopeisanimportantingredientforhealing and having dreams. He says: Fromancienttimes,peoplehaverecognizedthataspiritofhopehelpsthembear times of great suffering, illnesses, disasters, loss, and pain. They learned that...