Why I Left the Amish: A Memoir

What Do You Mean by Love?

Everyone hears only what he understands. Goethe What Do You Mean by Love? Sarah started going to singings soon after I did. She was shy, and hung back until I taught her how to dance. With her tall figure and bright blue eyes, she drew stares from the young men. The first few times she attended the singings, she rode home with me and whoever asked me for a date, or in the taxi we called if no one asked me for one. One night, Sarah and I were dancing together when a young man cut me out to dance with her. Later that night, he asked her for a date, and she said yes. His name was Sonny Miller, and he was romantic and talkative. To my amazement, I found myself riding home on a buggy with my younger sister and her date. At nineteen, I suddenly felt ancient. When Susan joined the young people, she immediately began dating one boy after another. I wondered how she was so popular when she was one of “Sim’s girls,” too. I got a few rides with her and her dates before she got tired of me. She criticized me for talking too much. Before a month was out, she was going steady with a boy named Robert, and then almost immediately, Sarah and Sonny started going steady as well. I felt not only ancient, but well on my way to becoming a spinster. One night at a singing, I was asked for a date with Milo’s Mel’s Dan, who is a cousin to Sonny. I found him fun to talk to on the way home. It seemed good to have my own ride again. When we reached my home, we went through the usual rituals of going 136 / why i left the amish to bed, clothed. As soon as we started to shmunzle, I decided the ride had not been worth it. His kisses made me want to turn my back and go to sleep. At least, I thought as the endless night dragged on, he didn’t push his luck to see how far he could go. When Dan asked me for another date a week later, I was astounded. No one had asked me for a second date for so long that I caught myself saying yes just because I was so flattered. Besides, I really needed a ride home. And that night, his kisses didn’t seem so bad. He seemed to like to listen to me talk in the buggy, and before I knew it, he’d driven me home nine times in a row. Was this love, I wondered? It felt more like a habit. Not at all what I’d expected. The following week when I was working at one of the six houses I cleaned, I got a call. It was a man, and he was panting. His voice was nearly inaudible. I could barely make out the words: “Hi this is Dan—I was just wondering if it would be all right to go steady.” Stunned, I pressed the receiver to my ear, listening to his loud breathing. Could I say yes? I could already feel the weight of many burdens slipping away from me. Would it be so bad? My own home, my own babies. But with Dan? Night after night, wishing he were someone else? For the rest of my life? Dan interrupted my thoughts when he spoke. “You don’t have to answer me right now—you can tell me later.” Deep in my heart, I knew what my answer would be. “Okay,” I said, and I was ready to add, “I already know what my answer is.” But Dan had hung up. When I came home from work that day, Sarah was in the basement kitchen cooking a new concoction with tomatoes and zucchini. The aroma of the spices she was using was tantalizing even to my taste buds, and I didn’t like tomatoes. Sarah turned around when I came down the stairs and said, “Lomieeee,” with a big smile on her face. “What?” I asked, with a straight face. I thought, Darn! She knows! “You know . . . Come on . . . I already know about it.” “About what?” “Didn’t Dan call you at work today?” What Do You Mean by Love? / 137 “What if he did, why do you care? And how would you know?” “Sonny called me at work today and told me. Well? You...