John Doe No. 2 and the Dreamland Motel

11 Aliens—and More!

11 Aliens—and More! Timothy McVeigh is doing the dishes in the Fortiers’ tiny eat-in kitchen. With its lingering stench of stale food, alcohol, and cigarettes, the trailer is a filthy mess. Your partner begins tidying the place up almost immediately. Sweeping. Vacuuming. Gathering up old pizza boxes, dirty clothes, and beer bottles. Emptying one Lysol can after another into the tiny, claustrophobic atmosphere of the trailer. “You two are fucking pigs,” says Timothy McVeigh. “What kind of example are you setting for baby Kayla—or JD here? “I’m gonna need a sandblaster for the shower,” he continues. “And I’m not even talkin’ about that toilet.” You had no idea that he was such a neat freak. That he was so obsessed with cleanliness. With establishing order out of chaos. L o r i r e m o v e s a b o a r d g a m e from the closet. You cannot even begin to imagine the housekeeping horrors that lurk in its dank, dark recesses. It’s Trivial Pursuit. Finally, something worth being excited about—enthusiastic, even, you think to yourself. You once finished third in a Trivial Pursuit tournament back at F.U. Your final, losing Aliens—and More! 83 questionstillgallsyou:“WhatistheU.S.statewiththelargestIndian population?” It had to be Oklahoma—heck, you still think that it’s Oklahoma. Who would have wagered on New Mexico? “When Lori and I play, we use a slightly different set of rules,” Mike slyly informs you. “We play Trivial Pursuit: The Drinking Game!” he announces, producing a giant bottle of cheap whiskey. You are relieved. You were worried that they intended to play Naked Trivial Pursuit—or something to that ridiculous effect. You wouldn’t put it past them. “That booze looks toxic,” says Timothy McVeigh with a nauseated expression on his face. “You miss a question, you do a shot,” instructs Mike. “And the first person to pass out wins!” Mike fills four shot glasses from the jug of whiskey. “Who’s the biggest mass murderer in U.S. history?” he asks, reading from a game card. Lori shrugs her shoulders, giggles, and empties her shot glass. You don’t have the first clue. You take a sip of the whiskey. Good God, that burns, you think to yourself. You push the shot glass away. “Is it Manson?” replies Timothy McVeigh hopefully. Mike shakes his head. “Drink up, Sarge!” he commands as your partner gulps down the whiskey. “The answer is Ronald Gene Simmons, Sr.,” Mike announces. “The bass player from KISS?” Timothy McVeigh asks incredulously . “No, Timmy, not the guy from KISS,” replies an exasperated Mike as Timothy McVeigh begins sticking out his tongue in an obscene imitation of the KISS bassist’s stage act. Your partner can be really gross sometimes, you think to yourself. “Heck, I would have thought it was somebody like Manson—or Ted Bundy,” says Timothy McVeigh. “My turn,” says Lori, still giggling. “Who said, ‘I never met a man I didn’t like’?” 84 J o h n D o e N o . 2 a n d t h e D r e a m l a n d M o t e l “That’s easy,” answers Timothy McVeigh. “It was you, Lori!” Your hostess giggles to herself as Mike shoots an irritated look at Timothy McVeigh. “No, seriously,” says your partner. “It was the great Will Rogers. Oklahoma-born in the Cherokee Nation.” Very impressive, you think. You didn’t have the first clue. “Now everybody takes a drink but Tim,” instructs Mike. The whiskey burns as you down another swig. “It’s JD’s turn,” says Lori, still giggling. You glance at the question on your card: “What does a spermologer collect?” Of all the questions in all the world, why did you have to get this one? “Is it cum?” asks Lori seriously. “Does he collect cum?” Oh my God, you think to yourself. Why in the name of all that is holy are you getting this question? You shake your head back and forth, vigorously. Nope. Not cum. Lori begins giggling anew as she gulps down her third whiskey shot. “I don’t have the foggiest notion,” says Mike as he slams back the contents of his shot glass. TimothyMcVeighleansforwardandtakesacrackattheanswer.“We need to think scientifically about this. There’s not gonna be some porno question in Trivial Pursuit, for God...