A Good High Place

Chapter 36

c H A P T e R T H i R T Y - S i X i didn’t need to see them. Partly because i could’ve done without it, and partly because i didn’t need to see them to get it. it happens the next night, after the Penobscot indian princess has left the stage. i’d taken Topini to the outhouse. But instead of sitting down when we come back, i stand with the child at the entrance to the tent. The soft glow from the hanging lanterns turns Kachina’s skin the color of cocoa or more like the maple syrup they collected. She’s wearing a white cotton dress i’ve never seen before. it’s slightly too big and carefully worked along the round neckline with red-andblack beadwork as usual, and it’s belted at her narrow waist, which makes her figure appear fuller. Her long black hair is a single braid down her back, dividing her body into two equal configurations. Kachina leans closer against Keane’s arm and shoulder, like she knows they are stealing these few extra moments, and i know Kachina needs nothing more than the present, has no thought for down the road, a state of mind i’ve never been capable of and resent seeing in her. As if the next moment could possibly take care of itself when i know it can’t. it must be maneuvered, angled into place, coaxed and wheedled, richly wagered for, none of which comes without a struggle or without some cost from today. i no more think these thoughts than i realize Kachina does pay. in order for 188 L.E. Kimball me to accomplish thinking of this sort, i would have to stop caring. Kachina can care and let go of tomorrow. it’s not the caring that makes you vulnerable; it’s the wanting that does it. The band is playing “i Want a Girl,” and a few couples begin to move dreamily around the platform, imagining themselves dancing like irene castle and whatever her husband’s name is. Keane pulls Kachina up by the hand and close to his body. dancing is imperative. dancewithme,hesays.oriimaginethat’swhathislipsaresaying as they move. And she does. KAcHiNA iS UNAPoloGeTic about it all, which makes me feel better. But the pilgrimage is, in a way, the culmination to all that has happened that summer. We’d found Topini alive in the woods, which, when you think about it, was nothing short of a miracle. And we didn’t have to kill the dog, which would have upset Keane, so it would’ve upset me. Kachina said The Day was waiting. She wouldn’t tell me what she meant by that—and seemed sorry she’d mentioned it—or even what The day was, but i thought i understood. And i wondered if it was enough. Uncle George used to say it didn’t matter in the least what happenedtoyou,whatstuffyouhadordidn’thave,orevenwhereyou ended up on this planet. He said that if you’re here at all, it can only be your reaction to a circumstance that has validity, so in that sense it’s important that something happens, that there are wants and things to not want, and happenings—good and bad, because otherwise we never find out who we are. i think that’s what Kachina meant by The day waiting. if certain things happened, we’d understand a bit. ...