Aunting: Cultural Practices That Sustain Family and Community Life

4 My Auntie, My Self

97 4 My Auntie, My Self Renita is my mother’s youngest sister. Renita was my “cool aunt” because she was young and hip and always knew what the trends were. She was in tune with style; I was always so excited to receive gifts from her because I know they’d be just what I wanted. I remember thinking, “Why doesn’t my mom know me so well?” Because [my aunt] was far away . . . and yet she could read my mind. Without even chatting with her and explaining what was “in,” I would get my birthday package in the mail and inside would be something I had wished for. Renita was my fairy godmother—the magical halfhuman , half-spirit that could think and speak at my level, could carry my dreams, and could really understand me. (Ruth, 21-yearold Latina college student) The profound feeling of being understood and accepted for who she was by her aunt—indeed, having her sense of self enhanced because her “cool” aunt embraced who she was—had a significant, even “magical ” impact on Ruth’s life. Aunts and their nieces/nephews may provide each other with important relational spaces in which to experiment with aspects of their selves that are new or that do not find support within other relationships (such as those with parents or spouses/partners). Interpersonal 98 AUNTING communication scholars teach us that selves develop within relationships ; we become who we are through a continually evolving process of interacting with others who respond in confirming and/or disconfirming ways as we “try out” elements of our ever-changing selves.1 Relational experiences shape who a person was, is, and will become, and the meaningfulness of such experiences is created through social interaction. So, for example, Renita’s gifts were nonverbal reinforcements of Ruth’s sense of herself as a young woman, as fashionable, and as having a caring relationship with her aunt. In this chapter, we explore how aunts and their nieces/nephews co-construct spacious “selves-in-relation.”2 That is, the aunting relationship may not impose the constricting identities that sometimes shape nuclear family relationships, offering instead more open, less predetermined, and flexible possibilities with the potential for authentic encounters. Over and over again, participants said of certain aunts or nieces/nephews, “I can be myself with him” or “She really gets me” or “We really connect.” We explore this expansive co-construction of selves between aunts and nieces/nephews as it relates to the giving and receiving of gifts, the special “savvy peer” relationship between youngest aunts and nieces/nephews, aunts/nieces/nephews as confidantes, the aunt as a mediator or bridge between children and their parents, and aunting as a nurturing space for women without children to experience the rewards of relationships with children. Acknowledging Selves through Gifts Aunts may provide fun, joy, and treats that are not necessary for survival or even meeting basic needs, but that supplement the care of nuclear families. Even when small in scope, such acts of kindness and support were interpreted by participants as meaningful displays of affection and of recognition of their self-identity.3 For the most part, aunts described giving gifts, while nieces and nephews described receiving them. Younger participants infrequently described giving to aunts, while aunts and older nieces/nephews described fond memories of receiving gifts along with stories of the enjoyment and satisfaction of giving to their nieces/nephews. Participants considered receiving ageappropriate holiday and birthday gifts that reflected their interests to MY AUNTIE, MY SELF 99 be signs of a caring aunt. Explained one niece, “[My aunt] has always made an effort to honor my birthday and other holidays with gifts, homemade cards, and homemade cookies.” Participants also valued an aunt’s spontaneous gift giving and/or special meals, trips, entertainment , movies, or other activities that parents did not provide regularly. Another niece exclaimed, “Every time I go to visit, she cooks for me— anything I want. She spoils me rotten!” Other aunts were prized because they gave gifts that made a child feel special, as in the following example from a nephew: “I remember going to a family Christmas party and she was so cool, she was the only relative that got my brother and I completely separate gifts.” As a little boy, having his own gift was a meaningful symbol, and yet most relatives gave him one that he shared...