Deconstruction of the Blues

Crow

89 CROW Were you inside or outside the flesh when the pain hit? That was the boundary of fire or fortune Not unlike stage lights dividing performer and audience Or working in a zoo asking yourself the positioning question who was the animal and not As a young man I was playing across dancing that line by knowing my patients My attendant’s white love Harold was my favorite We could talk head to head hanging in the hallway traffic We could banter Harold was almost cute a lisping babyish touch to his speech Steepness behind his eyes suggesting love or mockery My alter schizo I felt we were in some hangout doublethink way the same So end of the summer leaving the hospital when he asked me would I take him to a movie I felt bound But meeting him on 125th St he looked older humpbelly jiggle to his walk like an old man’s dilated the crow in him a flicker of hilarity 90 It was strange outside I eighteen he late thirties I sane and he crazy or crazy in remission Then in the movie dark he wouldn’t stop talking “Do you like that woman? Do you? Do you like her titties? Her titties are killing me If you die in a movie are you dead?” I could feel him speeding raw zero nothing between us but questions “We should have gone to that other theater, hunh? We could still go to that other one You probably don’t want to do that I bet you won’t take me to a movie again, hunh?” Someone hissed I went cold and a little scared “People are getting angry, Harold Let’s go to the lobby” In the lobby he started to wheedle popcorn sodas chocolate bonbons The colder I got the more agitated he became 91 I began to feel like Harold’s mother his cold bad mother He was smirking sucking at me clammy as death “You know I don’t have money You’re taking advantage” As if the mirror cracked between us Indian women sew bits of mirror in their clothing so malevolent spirits will see their reflection scare themselves away a sidewise tusked look demon brimming teeth big as guns Harold attacked me Nothing a brief flailing fingers nails he ripped at my face But he was wincing ducking his head blindly as if he wanted to creep inside Then we stood looking at each other split faces In the theater lobby where no one seemed to notice concession girl other patrons Maybe they thought we were playing Harold gone dull inward half smirk his round heavy cello body Should I have said no? No movie Would that have been cleaner? 92 He wanted to hurt me for leaving him To claw through the boundary between us Deeply I imagine he wanted to kill me and eat me and have me inside And I wanted to be rid of him Harold burden clammy baby I walked him outside he just jiggled along saw him onto the bus and never saw him again That was the way I blurred smeared out of the hospital dream kill romance of madness ...