Amplified Dog

Sperm Counts Are Falling

15 sperm CoUnTs Are fAlling guys today aren’t half the men our fathers were, scientists say. Though we’re taller, faster, stronger, And weigh more. Though we’ve had more lovers, and done more with them. sperm counts are falling— down by half in fifty years. Though we have lap-top computers, spread sheets, frequent flyer miles— Though we have jobs where we’re paid to sit and think, sperm counts are falling. i don’t want this to be true. i don’t want to be like those florida ’gators turned by pesticides into virtual girls. i don’t want wombs replaced by pyrex tubes. All the same, sperm counts are falling. look at me— in better shape than kids a third my age, my life-expectancy bungeed out past eighty years. i kick-box four times a week, lift weights, hunt, fish and don’t take guff; That doesn’t keep sperm counts from falling. Are feminists to blame? researchers say That when male monkeys lose status, their sperm counts fall. but a running back more celebrated than Christmas can’t get (the Star relates) his giant penis up. A guitar hero comes too soon; A movie idol likes one woman with two boys; Another one prefers gerbils. should we fault the ozone hole? sperm counts are falling as housing prices soar. 16 gnps skyrocket while third-world babies die. is god aborting mission: multiply? gangsters still gain points by leaving trails of kids. i got a girl pregnant before i could vote. (Thanks, supreme Court, for roe v Wade.) but i’m less horny nowadays. is that just age? i don’t laugh at sexist jokes. i read women’s eyes before i hold their doors. i understand all parts of “no.” is it because sperm counts are falling That fights get more lethal week by week? A “good butt-kicking” used to mean a shiner and a bloody nose. now a speed freak ice-picks your eyes, castrates, and pre-guts you for the morgue. now a ten-year-old shoots you twenty times, rapes your toddler, and pimps her on the street. i feel my sperm count falling as i drive through lA, or go to work, or out to eat. Though i have a tough-guy goatee, hairy chest, and never cry, sperm counts are falling. my wife and i may want a child. ...