The Adventures of Ibn Opcit

Scene 4. 4-Way Stops

87 Scene 4. 4-Way Stops The lunch continues. Idi Fellows, where are you! Bring food. Bring wine! (Ibn enters bearing an enormous tray. Ish remains behind the screen.) Ibn Milords and ladies, it is a thing surpassing suave, surpassing sage, that you allow me to serve you today. For our pleasured guests we start with a jasmine of cold wine and cucumber finkle. For entree we have Filet de Castro and a piece of Companion Fish, followed by a dish of Hopscotch Pudding. The wine is for nothing. Veep No thank you, I ate on the plane. Ibn A light repast, perhaps? Gravlax and Kumamoto? Veep We had a Mexican dinner on the plane; the fiesta in my stomach kept on going, all night long. Ibn A Mexican meal still barnstorming through your body? Is your stomach blundering toward its anal finale? Not to worry, we are placing the contents of your toilet in the holding tank for Biohazardous Waste. Veep What are you, a medical experiment? Has there been a hang fire in your gene pool? 88 Idi We like our employees a little impaired, a little crippled. Fellows, just the wine for now. Veep President Nakumbo, our relationship with your predecessor, Lucien Tabeau, was based on avarice, cunning, and mutual mistrust. I trust we’ll have the same success with you. My President has authorized me to make a second offer, should you decline our first. What we would like is to enlist you in the FDPP. Idi The what? Veep You’ve heard of our Federal Witness Protection Program? Well, this is our Federal Despot Protection Program, also known as the Husha Buydown. There comes a time in the life of every Tin Pot Tyrant to sort out his cross-hatchings of ownership and dictatorship. If the role of government is to make as many as possible as happy as possible, why not start with Number One? Ibn (Audible aside.) (The tyrant, he agrees and he starts with himself.) Idi Well I’ll be a clapped hat on a monkey’s head. This has what they call in the business “possibilities.” Veep All those other Presidents for Life, they signed up the way peas accumulate in the pod. Where do you think all those Presidents of South Vietnam went to? Do you really think 89 Idi Amin lives in Saudi Arabia? Robert Mugabe . . . Idi . . . of Zimbabwe? Do you know that man is a patriot? He loves his country as himself. He even wants to rename it Robert Mugabe Enterprises. Ibn (Quisling kings, they play the ancient game called Rot & Throw.) Idi In local pubs they say it is a source of song to push the cash across the bar. What do you have in mind? Veep In the FDPP are hecatombs of comfort. We’ll make it full of cashews and good things for you. Idi How did the world come to be so chock full of cashew nuts? Fellows! A day without wine . . . Ibn (Refills Idi.) ( . . . is like a bird that can’t defecate.) Idi (Sniffs and savors the wine.) Black cherry. Pear. Asparagus. Notes of barnyard. (He farts wetly.) Ibn (Sniffing) Black cherry. Pear. Asparagus. Notes of barnyard. (Offers the wine.) Mr. Vice President? 90 Veep Perhaps a cup of coffee. Ibn We like to serve the coffee at room temperature. It keeps the guests from hurting themselves. How about some Baked Alaska? Here we call it Frozen Africa. Veep You’re more insane than Earl Mototny. Idi I’ve always been willing to follow the logic of the Assembly. Which border did you have in mind? I could not consider going North. Veep Something better. In the Islands of Assent stands the tropical paradise of Bent Peter. There, to live in self-regulated governance, our despots come. Guaranteed freedom from extradition, you will play Parcheesi with tyrants of similar views. You are allowed to bring all your belongings, both personal and public. Numbered accounts, wife or wives . . . Idi Could this include Copernica Catnip? Veep Women with breasts like grain sacks, if you like. We could also find room for your Cabinet— Idi I think it’s simpler if I own everything. 91 Veep Oh, I almost forgot: to all of this we add an annual emolument equal to several times your country’s GNP. Idi Payable in gold? Veep In...