The Adventures of Cancer Bitch

JANUARY 25. SURGEON

4 JANUARY 25. SURGEON The surgeon is warm but businesslike, a nice combination. She says the cancer is probably Stage 2, because the mass is probably more than 5 cm. But I thought it was 2 cm. She explains that now they’re thinking of the three places as one big place. Surgery would be in two to three weeks. Without reconstruction, the hospital stay would be one to two days. With, four to five. I tell her I don’t want reconstruction. Because I’ve had two breast biopsies, the first more than 20 years ago; because I know women who’ve had breast cancer; because I know that it’s an epidemic ; because I’ve seen that poster of Deena Metzger naked with a tattoo over her scar, I’ve imagined how I would react to losing a breast. (But not losing two, that’s too much to take in.) I’ve thought that I would be defiantly one-breasted. My breasts are small, too small for cleavage, growing from A to B only fairly recently, as I’ve gained some weight. I like them small. They make me look thinner and don’t get in my way. The only reason for me to wear a bra is to provide a little uplift and to cover my nipples. They stick out all the time, like erasers on a pencil. The surgeon says I should talk to the plastic surgeon anyway, just to see what my options are. And then suddenly, I, who’d imagined myself a fierce, one-breasted Amazon, find myself thinking: I would love to have reconstruction. JANUARY 27. TANK TOP Wendy has graciously offered to talk to me about the reconstruction she had after her mastectomy. She greets me at her suburban door in a red tank top with black bra straps showing. The top is tucked into white pants. In the midst of winter she’s dressing for summer. Indicating her clothes, she says, I’m not wearing this just for you. Her treatments have zapped her into instant menopause and she’s suffering from hot flashes. Her straight, black hair is swept off her shoulders into a loose bun. But why shouldn’t she wear her tank top? She looks fine in it. And later, when she shows me both breasts, I see that they’re almost identical, except for the long scar on top, across one of ...