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630 MARK TWAIN SPEAKING· 190 · After Mark Twain had moved into his new home, Stormfield, one of the first events was an invasion by burglars. Another event, in which he played a prominent role, was the establishment of a library at Redding. He donated books, and, as a prime mover, becamefirst president ofthe Library Association, of which Dr. Ernest H. Smith was vice-president, and William E. Grumman was librarian. On the afternoon ofthe opening, Mark Twain spoke briefly. Remarks Opening of the Mark Twain Library, Redding, Connecticut, October 28, 1908 I am here to speak a few instructive words to my fellow farmers. I suppose you are all farmers. I am going to put in a crop next year, when I have been here long enough and know how. I couldn't make a turnip stay on a tree now after I had grown it. I like to talk. It would take more than the Redding air to make me keep still, and I like to instruct people. It's noble to be good, and it's nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble. I am glad to help this library. We get our morals from books. I didn't get mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books-theoretically at least. Mr. Beard or Mr. Adams will give some land, and by and by we are going to have a building of our own. I am going to help build that library with contributions-from my visitors. Every male guest who comes to my house will have to contribute a dollar or go away without his baggage. If those burglars that broke into my house recently had done that they would have been happier now, orifthey'd have broken into this library they would have read a few books and led a better life. Now they are injail, and if they keep on they will go to Congress. When a person starts downhill you can never tell where he's going to stop. I am sorry for those burglars. They got nothing that they wanted and scared away most of my servants. Now we are putting in a burglar alarm instead ofa dog. Some advised the dog, but it costs even more to entertain a dog than a burglar. I am having the ground electrified, so that for a mile around MARK TWAIN SPEAKING 631 anyone who puts his foot across the line sets off an alarm that will be heard in Europe. The burglar who steps within this danger zone will set loose a bedlam of sounds, and spring into readiness for action our elaborate system of defenses. As for the fate of the trespasser, do not seek to know that. He will never be heard of more. Now I will introduce the real president to you, a man whom you know already -Dr. Smith. Text / Composite, based upon: MTB, 4: 1472-73; "Books and Burglars ," MTS(10):213-14. Beard or Adams will give some land / Dan Beard and Theodore Adams were residents of the region. According to Paine, neither had been consulted before Mark Twain made his spur-of-the-moment suggestion about giving land. Adams responded by donating a site for the library.· 191 · At a dinner ofthe directors andfaculty ofthe New York Postgraduate Medical School and Hospital, Mark Twain, resplendent in white, was appropriately introduced as "Dr. Samuel L. Clemens." The chairman mentioned the Stormfield burglary. Dinner Speech New York Postgraduate Medical School and Hospital Dinner, Delmonico's, New York, January 20,1909 Gentlemen and doctors: This is the first opportunity I have had to thank the Post Graduate for the honorary membership conferred upon me two years ago; a distinction which is a real distinction, and which I prize as highly as anyone could. I am glad to be among my own kind tonight. I was once a sharpshooter, but now I practice a much higher and equally as deadly a profession. It wasn't so very long ago ...

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