Mark Twain Speaking

167. Interview

554 MARK TWAIN SPEAKING wife and I-I got a ripe melon. I trust it was with him as it was with me. Reform with me was no transient emotion, no passing episode, no Philadelphia uprising. It was permanent. Since that day I have never stolen a water-never stolen a green watermelon. Text / "Mighty Mark Twain Overawes Marines," Times, May 12, 1907. Warfield / Edwin Warfield (1848-1920). American politician. He was president of the Maryland Senate (1886), surveyor of the Port of Baltimore (1886-90), and governor of Maryland (1904-08). slot / On a cable car the slot was a continuous opening at the top of a conduit through which the shank of the grip passed and along which it moved. On an electric trolley car there was evidently a comparable opening to test the passenger's accuracy.· 167 · Early in May 1907, Mark Twain was informed that Oxford had conferred upon him an honorary Litt.D. He was delighted. In a dictation of May 23, 1907, he says that he was as happy with a new degree as an Indian with afresh scalp. But he was also human enough to grumble privately about American universities that, year after year, had overlooked him when bestowing honors upon hundreds ofmen, many ofthem nonentities, few ofthem internationally known. He had a point. We may wonder at the academic obtuseness thatfailed to recognize the mostfamous American ofhis time. To receive the Oxford degree in person, he embarkedfor England aboard the S.S. Minneapolis onJune 8, chatting with reporters before sailing. Interview Aboard S.S. Minneapolis, New York, June 8, 1907 I may never go to London again until I come back to this sphere after I am dead, and then I would like to live in London. I spent seven years there, and I am going back to see the boys. Work? I retired from work on my seventieth birthday. Since then I MARK TWAIN SPEAKING 555 have been putting in merely twenty-six hours a day dictating my autobiography, which, as John Phoenix said in regard to his autograph , may be relied upon as authentic, as it is written exclusively by me, but I don't want it published until after I am dead. And I want to be thoroughly dead when it is published. No rumors, but really dead. I have made it as caustic, fiendish, and as devilish as I possibly can. I might be what you call a sensation, for I have spared no one. It will fill many volumes, and I will go right on writing until I am called to the angels and receive a harp. The story of my life will make certain people sit up and take notice, but I will use my influence not to have it published until the persons mentioned in it and their children and grandchildren are dead. I tell you it will be something awful. It will be what you might call good reading . [He was asked what notable people had come down to see him off.] I don't know. I am so shy. My shyness takes a peculiar phase. I never look a person in the face. The reason is that I am afraid they may know me and that I may not know them, which makes it very embarrassing for both of us. I always wait for the other person to speak. I know lots of people, but I don't know who they are. It is all a matter of ability to observe things. I never observe anything now. I gave up the habit years ago. You should keep a habit up if you want to become proficient in it. Forinstance, I was a pilot once, but I gave it up, and I do not believe the captain of the Minneapolis would let me navigate his ship to London. Still, if I think that he is not on the job I may go up on the bridge and offer him a few suggestions. Text / Composite, based upon: "Mark Twain Sails for Oxford Honors," Times, June 9, 1907; a fragment erroneously included in "Dress Reform and Copyright," MTS(10):88-89. John Phoenix / Pen name of George Horatio Derby (1823-61), also known as "Squibob." American soldier and humorist. A West Point graduate and Mexican War veteran, he was in the United States Topographical Bureau (1847-48), explored Minnesota Territory (1848-49), then conducted explorations in California (1849-56), where he turned to humor as a...