Mark Twain Speaking

155. Robert Fulton Monument Association

MARK TWAIN SPEAKING·155· 515 Mark Twain wasfirst vice-president ofthe Fulton Monument Association, of which Cornelius Vanderbilt was president. The purpose ofthe organization was to erect a monument to Robert Fulton in New York City. At a benefit staged by the association in Carnegie Hall, General Frederick D. Grant presided in full-dress uniform, the Old Guard band played, and a capacity house enjoyed thefoolery ofMark Twain. Speech Robert Fulton Monument Association Benefit, Carnegie Hall, New York, April 19, 1906 I wish to deliver a historical address. I've been studying the history of--er-a-Iet me see-a [pretending to be confused, he walked across the stage to consult General Grant in a stage whisper, then resumed]. Oh, yes! I've been studying Robert Fulton. I've been studying a biographical sketch of Robert Fulton, the inventor of--er-a-Iet's see-oh, yes, the inventor of the electric telegraph and the Morse sewing machine. Also, I understand he invented the air-diria-pshaw! I have it at last-the dirigible balloon. Yes, the dirigible-but it is a difficult word, and I don't see why anybody should marry a couple of words like that when they don't want to be married at all and are likely to quarrel with each other all the time. I should put that couple of words under the ban of the United States Supreme Court, under its decision of a few days ago, and then take 'em out and drown 'em. I used to know Fulton. It used to do me good to see him dashing through the town on a wild broncho. And Fulton was born in--er-a-well, it doesn't make much difference where he was born, does it? I remember a man who came to interview me once, to get a sketch of my life. I consulted with a friend-a practical man-before he came, to know how I should treat him. "Whenever you give the interviewer a fact," he said, "give him another fact that will contradict it. Then he'll go away with a jumble 516 MARK TWAIN SPEAKING that he can't use at all. Be gentle, be sweet, smile like an idiot-just be natural." That's what my friend told me to do, and I did it. "Where were you born?" asked the interviewer. "Well-er-a," I began, "I was born in Alabama, or Alaska, or the Sandwich Islands; I don't know where, but right around there somewhere . And you had better put it down before you forget it." "But you weren't born in all those places," he said. "Well, I've offered you three places. Take your choice. They're all at the same price." "How old are you?" he asked. "I shall be nineteen in June," I said. "Why, there's such a discrepancy between your age and your looks," he said. "Oh, that's nothing," I said, "I was born discrepantly." Then we got to talking about my brother Samuel, and he told me my explanations were confusing. "I suppose he is dead," I said. "Some said that he was dead and some said that he wasn't." "Did you bury him without knowing whether he was dead or not?" asked the reporter. "There was a mystery," said I. "We were twins, and one day when we were two weeks old-that is, he was one week old and I was one week old-we got rnixed up in the bathtub, and one of us drowned. We never could tell which. One of us had a strawberry birthmark on the back of his hand. rrhere it is on my hand. This is the one that was drowned. There's no doubt about it." "Where's the mystery?" he said. "Why, don't you see how stupid it was to bury the wrong twin?" I answered. I didn't explain it any more because he said the explanation confused him. To me it is perfectly plain. But, to get back to Fulton. I'm going along like an old man I used to know, who used to start to tell a story about his grandfather. He had an awfully retentive memory, and he never finished the story, because he switched off into something else. He used to tell about how his grandfather one day went into a pasture, where there was a ram. The old man dropped a silver dime in the...