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3 Constructing the Self: Options and Challenges I have to have supervised visitation with my children for now, and the supervisor asked me, “Why do you feel you have to dress?” and I said, “Well”—and she’s a very feminine woman—and I said, “Look, what if I told you you had to dress with a crew cut, a t-shirt, and jeans only. How would you feel?” “Well, I’d be stressed out.” “Really ? That’s how I feel.” I said, “Right now, I feel stressed out because I’m dressed as a guy, and it doesn’t feel natural. It feels natural when I’m dressed as Joney. It doesn’t feel natural when I’m dressed as John.” So, it’s, I think she’s finally, it’s finally clicking . (Joney, MtF) I facilitate this group for transpeople, and I look through the New Yorker magazine every week to see if there’s an appropriate cartoon in there, and there almost always is, and I’ll bring it in for the group. And a month ago or so I saw one that is absolutely perfect for transition. It’s this picture of these people standing around in a big bookstore and there’s this big shelf of books that’s labeled self-improvement, and right next to it is this big shelf of books labeled self-involvement. And for awhile you have to be completely self-involved because you’re re-inventing yourself. (Reid, FtM) Internal/External Consistency How one feels internally is one aspect of gender identity. What gender others attribute to us and then how they respond to us is another. There is potential dissonance with each aspect, and for most transpeople there will be an attempt to align the external presentation with the internal sense of self. In this way they hope not only to have a satisfying experience of the self but also for others to treat them as how they identify. In this sense, gender is being and doing. This is where I feel that there is an aspect of performance to gender; however, unless it is in the context of entertainment, it is the true reflection of internal gender. Wilchins refers to this as a “performance of internal visualization” (1997, p. 155). She continues: “The images we form of ourselves and see in our heads constitute a kind of internal dialogue . They are conversations we hold with ourselves about what our bodies mean, an imaginary construction we undertake over and over again. In time, these images stabilize and become what we identify as ‘our selves.’” Thinking back to the Thomases’ quote, “If men [and women] define situations as real, they are real in their consequences,” we can see that the expression of an identity does have major implications for interaction, and therefore consequences. Living in a highly gendered culture means that we are treated based on our social gender—males and females are treated di=erently. Not surprisingly, most people I spoke with felt that it was very important to have internal and external alignment, both for their personal integrity and for the ability to interact with the world as the gender with which they identified. Many transpeople take steps of physical transition (hormones, surgeries , presentation) both for personal reasons and for how that will transform their social relationships, whether among family, with partners and friends, at work, or in public interactions. However, a few study participants felt that consistency between one’s identity and presentation was not necessary. For example, Dylan (FtM) did not see an “inside/outside division . How I move through the world, how I interact and communicate with others, that is both my inside and my outside. To me, changing physically [chest reconstruction] is about more clear communication and comfort for me. It’s not about making the outside fit the inside.” Holly (MtF), who has no intention of having surgery, said: I do embrace the notion of expressing outwardly what is within. (“As above, so below.”) But because I am so openly gender-variant and fluid, I reserve the right to express the truth of that “in the moment.” Surgery might limit this kind of expression. I believe in “shape-shifting” with truth. . . . Is the goal to get from A to B or is the goal to remain open to fluidity? That’s the key. So, it’s not so much that surgery will necessarily limit your expression, it’s the mindset...

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