Transgender Voices: Beyond Women and Men

4: Coming Out to Community, Family, and Work

4 Coming Out to Community, Family, and Work I can assure you that not one of us who has transitioned hasn’t considered that we may be signing our own death warrant, just by saying the truth of who we are. (Lynnea, MtF) Another thing is that everybody has their little secrets, their little behind closed door secrets, but when you come out as transgender or transsexual or cross-dresser or whatever , it’s like there’s nothing else. Everybody knows all of your secrets. They know all of your personal life, and it’s like, there’s nothing, you’re like bare, stripped. I don’t think the people you try to tell appreciate that. They don’t understand that and appreciate that fact. (Devin, MtF) How does a person reveal a secret he or she is ashamed of ? How do people tell others something they fear will lead to rejection by people they love? How does someone explain an aspect of the self others may not understand? If the secret is gender variance, words and concepts fail; society ’s grasp of this issue is limited. Not everyone wants to be a pioneer or martyr for social change. Yet personal authenticity is at stake. Honesty to oneself and in relationships drives the need to tell. Not being honest means that the individual could be discovered and discredited, and being discredited is all the more serious if it is done by people you care about— family, spouses, children, or close friends (Go=man 1963, p. 65). Secrecy itself carries risks. For many trans-identified people, coming out is not the same as it is for gay men, lesbians, or bisexuals. Gender variance and homosexual orienta- tion are both personal secrets, and people may respond similarly to both, with aversion or surprise. But a di=erent sexual orientation does not challenge people in the same ways as gender variance. Some individuals who are trans-identified will probably continue to look the same and may take on the same gender role as a gay man or a lesbian, but a transsexual will dramatically change his or her appearance, body, and gender role. A genderqueer may vigorously confront others’ ideas of what a man or a woman looks like or acts like. A male cross-dresser challenges notions of what a “real man” is. These revelations, changes, and confrontations defy people’s strongly held ideas of gender and human nature (Brown and Rounsley 1996, pp. 119–120). Kand’s (transgendered) comment touches on all these points: I typically find myself wishing everyone knew about my gender stuff. It gets hard carrying around a big secret. On the other hand, it is an ordeal to sit people down for “the talk.” . . . And I look back to when I was coming out as gay 20 years ago, and compare the two, and it was easier because you could say, look I’m gay and people knew exactly what you were talking about. This requires explanation, processing. Telling Because telling others about one’s gender variance entails risk and vulnerability , it is a significant decision. When to tell, what to tell, and whom to tell are all weighty factors. Sherri Lynn (MtF) acknowledged that people she had known for a long time seemed the most confused, “because they thought you were just being you all those years and when you finally have to tell them, ‘No, I was pretending’ . . . they don’t understand when you tell them that was not the real me. I couldn’t show the real me.” For Dave (male cross-dresser) as well, deception was too limiting: [I]t’s worse to not disclose that kind of thing because then I’m hiding. Then I’m secretive , which then leads itself to other kinds of secrets and not telling full truths and not being totally present with the person you’re with. I don’t want to do that. I want a real relationship this time, and it’s gonna involve being, disclosing who I am completely. Some people I spoke with felt that acknowledging their past was important . Jeremy (FtM) said he would “tell close friends simply because living as a girl and then a woman has been a significant part of my life experience .” Abe (FtM) agreed. “I feel it is a very important part of me and my history.” Coming Out 99 Some...