Cowboys, Cops, Killers, and Ghosts: Legends and Lore in Texas

Houston Cop Talk

59 HOUSTON COP TALK by Scott Hill Bumgardner  Every occupation or walk of life seems to have unique terminology. I plunged into a world that was full of unique slang and terms that have entered the realm of oral tradition. In September of 1976, I became a cadet in the Houston Police Department’s academy. My career as a Houston Police Officer and Sergeant spanned more than twenty years, until I retired in 1997. Even in the academy my fellow trainees and I were exposed to a few of the terms, but the real enlightenment began when we were assigned to the department ’s patrol functions. Some of this jargon is commonly used in other police departments. Several of these terms have been used in police novels and film portrayals. But, I believe many of the terms I include here were born on the streets of Houston, Texas. The following paragraph is an example of Houston cop talk. It is written in the descriptive vernacular an officer might use to detail what happened during his day of work to another officer. The slang words are underlined. “We s.o.’ed as unit #15E10 with shop #2420 and immediately received a call about a driver that was acting hinky. We arrived and stopped the described vehicle, thinking that it might be a hijacker or even some local knob knockers. It turned out to be just a rolling G. The driver was known as a fender lizard by one of the old heads who checked by. The actor said she was an officer’s chip and that she was watching his x10. She was acting like a real zipperhead and kept saying, ‘Who me?’ My partner got a little fed up and replied, ‘No, the mouse in your pocket!’ At this point she looked down and said, ‘I ain’t got no mouse in my pocket.’ This space cadet started getting real froggy and hollering that we were ginning her, so we put her in the back seat and hauled her to the gray bar hotel. On the way there she yelled a lot and we were tempted to give her a screen test or swat her with a slapper but we resisted the urge. On the way back to our district later, we had to wait for a yellow wheel. Thank goodness we were by a Stop and Rob, where we could drag the sack for some coffee. We sure wished a q-man was around during the long wait. Our sergeant accused us of milking the arrest, but was happy with the ducks we listed on our work-card.” Below is a translation of the previous conversation. The officer might have described his shift to a very trusted civilian friend in this manner. Obviously, this is not politically correct and several things mentioned are just plain old wrong. But, even cops can fantasize when under pressure. “We signed on as unit #15E10 with patrol car #2420 and immediately received a call about a driver that was acting suspicious . We arrived and stopped the described vehicle, thinking that it might be a robber or even some local safe burglars. It turned out to be just a DWI. The driver was known as a car hop by one of the veteran officers who checked by. The suspect said she was an officer ’s mistress and that she was watching his home. She was acting like a real stupid idiot and kept saying, ‘Who me?’ My partner got a little fed up and replied, ‘No, the mouse in your pocket!’ At this point she looked down and said, ‘I ain’t got no mouse in my pocket.’ This clueless suspect started getting real aggressive and hollering that we were falsely charging her, so we put her in the back seat and hauled her to the jail. On the way there she yelled a lot and we were tempted to slam on the brakes so she would hit the cage divider or swat her with a blackjack but we resisted the urge. On the way back to our district later, we had to wait for a spare tire. Thank goodness we were by a convenience store so we could get some free coffee. We sure wished a barbeque man was around during the long wait. Our sergeant accused us of taking an excessively long time during the arrest, but was happy with the arrest we listed on our work-card.” The following definitions and...