Behind Every Choice Is a Story

Chapter Eight: Choice as sacrifice, choice as freedom

116 Chapter 8 Choice as sacrifice, choice as freedom Or, how I became a perfect ten I did the thing I felt was best for all of us and sent them back to heaven. Successful, still together and eagerly awaiting a baby that we planned. I found there are many ways to be a mother in this world without having biological children. Three people, three choices, three slices of life in all its richness and diversity. A new look at the meaning of reproductive choice People often assume that a personal experience with abortion motivated me to become a passionate advocate for reproductive choice. But it is a lot more complicated than that, as are most women’s stories about their lives. For every choice has its parallel choices known but not taken. When I was fifteen and pregnant, I was aware that the op- Choice as sacrifice, choice as freedom • 117 tion of abortion existed even though it was illegal. I chose not to go that route. Like so many women, I did not choose adoption. This doesn’t mean these are not entirely valid choices. I just knew they weren’t right for me. I wanted children and thought I was ready for parenthood. I even thought I wanted four children until I had three and was physically exhausted. When I was thirty-two, after twelve years of taking the high-dose birth control pills that were available then, my body was starting to rebel. The only solution I could see was sterilization. I was not really ready to foreclose my fertility; still, it seemed the best option at the time. By and by, I became divorced from my first husband. By and by, I met the love of my life, Alex Barbanell, and we married in 1980. We each had three wonderful children already. From the standpoint of responsibility toward world population, we had certainly done our part. I was never highly motivated enough to try to reverse the tubal ligation . If, however, there is one great sadness for me, it is that I have never had the pleasure of having a truly planned child with someone I wholeheartedly love and at a time of life when we could have provided the environment in which a child could have the best chance to thrive. Don’t people understand that when faced with an unintended pregnancy , or a situation like I found myself in at thirty-two when I chose sterilization, all the choices available are imperfect and fraught with pain? Choice is freedom, yes, but choice is also sacrifice. For in the very act of choosing, we are relinquishing our claim to the other options. This is never truer than when the issue is childbearing, when the path we choose defines our very lives. When the choice of one path may preclude forever the taking of the others. When the choice has such a profound impact on those we love the most. Many choices, many reasons At eighteen, I chose to bring my daughter into this world, one of the toughest choices I had to make. I look at her and am 118 • Choosing a life thankful every day. Then about six months ago, it was confirmed that I was pregnant again. Looking at my life, the struggles I’ve had to endure to make sure my daughter was fed well and taken care of, I knew that another child was not a feasible thing at this time in my life. I had an abortion. I look back and I know that I made the right choice. It was a hard choice, just as deciding to keep my little girl was. Now I still have a chance of making my daughter’s life a successful one. —Nell, age twenty-two At sixteen weeks, routine prenatal screening tests came back incredibly abnormal. Two weeks, many tests, and sleepless nights filled with dread later we got the news that our baby was fatally ill with an extremely rare genetic disease. At eighteen weeks, we terminated our much-wanted pregnancy at the hospital where we planned to give birth. Our risk of losing another baby to this terrible disease is one in four. But two years later, I’m happy to tell you I’m the proud mom of a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Choice is still there for me, ensuring that if I ever have another affected...