Slouching toward Zion and More Lies

Chicken Soup for the Damned

Chicken Soup for the Damned j Jesus was born in the biggest house with the finest stable in Bethlehem. His mother was a member of the Daughters of Jericho . His father, Joseph, was a famous hero who drove a stake through the heart of a Palestinian and became CEO of Nazareth Land Development, employing hundreds of carpenters and masons , creating Mt. Tabor Estates, and reducing the Cedars of Lebanon to Shittim Wood. As a boy, Jesus was the best athlete in Galilee, and once, to help his father hide gold while tax collectors slept, with five smooth stones he killed three roosters before they crowed. He also knocked out the eye of a Pharisee’s son but gave the boy a gold coin to replace it. When he became a man, Jesus used the management skills he learned in his father’s office to assemble a team of adherents who would denounce dissenters, punish the poor, and appropriate the sick in order to enrich themselves. Preaching health, security, and prosperity to all who followed him, Jesus found a hearing wherever he went. Once after he had told them the parable of the Ten Bridesmaids who cornered the market on lamp oil, hangers-on followed him until they were faint. Jesus told them to give him their money and he would give them the secret of everlasting bread. His adherents took the shekels to the nearest McEdonia. Upon their return there was a scramble for the bagels and lox. After they had eaten all they could, they bought all Jesus’ lamp oil at inflated prices. Then Jesus told them the secret of everlasting bread was in the lamp oil of Mesopotamia. Afterwards Jesus went to an exclusive desert resort to audition his program and find approval. Sackcloth and ashes were 181 sufficient for prophets of repentance, he explained, but authority for reform demanded a jeweled crown, and purple robes with ermine trim and gold appointments. Benches or stools were adequate for listeners but habitués would require a climate controlled environment, ergonomic pews, and recreation centers. Locusts and honey would sustain life but partisans needed Starbucks, Ben and Jerry’s, and Krispy Kreme. Jesus passed the test but his program lacked pizzazz. For power he needed pizzazz and pizzazz required crush, flash, lipstick, and big hair. Healing the sick was never ending but a lame man tossing his crutches and walking, a blind woman seeing her child for the first time brought media attention. Calling the righteous to repentance got groans but dazzle, desperation, and deceit gave fame. A cup of cold water could bring gratitude but dirt, demons, and décolletage brought donations. Jesus started to the high steeple tabernacle where he would spar with evil to lure a crowd. On his way, he took a short cut across the Sea of Galilee, absent-mindedly walking on water. He was seen by fishermen who begged him to show them the trick so they would never drown. Instead, he told them he would make them fishers for donations to his ministry. The first to accept would be the last to be laid-off. A young CEO asked how he could become a follower and Jesus said to sell his Jaguar, his two Mercedes, his five houses and three apartments, his two corporations, and his private jet and give the money to him as a tax dodge. In return, Jesus would provide him with abundant luxury. Thus, Jesus became the way to make charity profitable. Jesus preached his Principles for Abundant Luxury and the dumb were made to speak and the wise were commanded to be silent. Also women. “If you follow me you are a builder,” he taught. “A good builder builds houses on sand and when the rains come, and the winds blow, the house will fall and you can sell another house or foreclose on the land.” 182 SLOUCHING TOWARD ZION AND MORE LIES His friend and fellow evangelist, John the Baptist, accused the Great Leader of crimes against humanity and was arrested by John the Bull. When John the Baptist was executed for lack of patriotism, Jesus was terrified. As he had so many times, he went into the Garden and prayed, “Lord, how can I get out of this?” Two of his disciples came looking for him and found him asleep, but in his hand was a message to the Great Leader. “What must I...