Slouching toward Zion and More Lies

Radio WWJS

Radio WWJS j Brother McCoy could find no backing for Station WWJS, “What Would Jesus Say.” He called Brother Harold and enjoyed several minutes of long-distance listening to Jesus rock, sung by Christians who believed intelligibility was gay if not foolhardy . When he explained his problem, Brother Harold offered to sponsor an hour-long show on a local station if McCoy would promote Brother Harold’s products in addition to McCoy ’s WWJS bracelets. Sales of the Bible that bled red ink had slumped. However, Harold had acquired Bibles that had belonged to heroes and other actors, including the Bible that sanctioned the deaths of more than two hundred German soldiers killed by Audie Murphy , the genuine Gideon Bible that Ronald Reagan included among the weapons he sent to terrorists, the Bible that told Oliver North how to make crime look patriotic, the Bible that belonged to John Wilkes Booth, inscribed with his dying words, “Tell Mother I died for my country,” the Bible that told Martin Luther King, Jr. how to die for his country. The Bible that made Madylyn Murray O’Hare ugly, the Bible that Kenny Boy Lay used to bless Enron’s enterprises, the Bible that George W. Bush used to bless Kenny Boy, the Bible that Saddam Hussein threw away that was saved by a faithful Muslim for use as tobacco wrapping that was rescued by Senator Phil Gramm to honor Big Tobacco. Brother Harold also offered advice. Dogma follows dollars. In Christian media, as in the Supreme Court, consistency was not considered a virtue but profitability was. Never say “United States,” say “Christian America.” Use “right” at every opportunity. People did not want freedom; they wanted rights, 147 particularly the right to be entertained by religion and to be envied by others. When people bought the Bible that told John Wayne how to be a war profiteer and a war hero at the same time they not only purchased the favor of God, they possessed a trophy that turned fellow Christians into covetous competition. Brother Harold told McCoy to choose his radio persona well. After establishing himself as a White Gospel capitalist, Harold almost gave himself away by asking listeners to provide him with bolillos instead of asking for bread. McCoy spent a week listening to radio and television Pray for Pay religionists seeking his persona. Should he be a Disaster Pastor who threatened his listeners with calamity if they did not agree with him? A Hairy Kristianity colonel who called for a new Christian Crusade backed by nuclear weapons? A Rebel Rev who preached the Old South with enchanting and enchained darkies who sang in the moonlight, chivalrous knights who carried God to the battlefields, genteel belles who were as removed from lust as they were from labor? A-Man’s-Home-is-His-Castle-and-His-Wife’s-Sweatshop Family Values facilitator who preached a gun in every hand, a misogynist in every home, and a prayer in every school? A Bag-a-FagSodom -is-Too-Good-For-Them homopath who was antipathetic to everyone but hated homosexuals more than women? A I-Am-God patriot who would destroy the world to save his pride? A God-As-The-Great-And-Terrible-Fire-Sale huckster who preached that God’s enterprises were financially successful ; that’s how you knew they were God’s enterprises? The Padre Madres were beyond consideration for reasons of gender if not prominence. McCoy chose to preach the gospel of give your heart to Jesus and you will never go hungry or get sick and your grown children won’t return home. The government will overlook your taxes, the media will use the good photograph for your obituary and not the one your widow provides, and your fellow believers will forget you were seen in a resale shop. 148 SLOUCHING TOWARD ZION AND MORE LIES With Brother Harold’s money, McCoy bought time on a local station for “Brother Pastor comes to the rescue.” Like Lassie, he would discover their problems and run to fetch help from the Scripture. The first morning, he stated his premise: the Bible said that you had been chosen by God for wonderful gifts. Were you lonely in a luxury of Lutherans? Earnest in an excitement of Episcopalians? Predestined to hell in a pride of Presbyterians? Mouthless before a mob of Mormons? Jaded in the jungle of Jehovah ’s Witness...