Slouching toward Zion and More Lies

Born-Again Jesus

Born-Again Jesus j A clandestine group of scientists, even more secretive than the Masonic Lodge, met at the sacred mounds near Chillicothe. Among them was a Nobel laureate, two who had received Pulitzers—one in Specialized Reporting and one in Explanatory Reporting—one winner of the Intel Science Talent Search, two National Medal of Freedom winners, and four Teachers of the Year. By the third grade they had been the smartest kids in their schools, including the high school. By sixth grade, they were the smartest people in their church, including the pastor. They had won national championships in science fairs, spelling bees and Bible sword drills. They had learned evolution in school and six days times twenty-four hours a day equaled 144 hours of creation in Sunday School. Reptilia in school and subtle serpent in Sunday School, physics and The Rapture. They believed E equaled MC squared and that glossalalia equaled vision. They believed the first law of motion, that things remained pretty much the same without external intrusion , and that eating everything on their plates aided hungry children in India. Nevertheless, each had reached a point where they were unable to straddle the yawning crevasse between Christianity and the biblical Jesus. For a time they tried to find a church that could accommodate science and religion, gospel and dogma, history and Jesus. Christianity had survived for centuries by ignoring Jesus’ teachings or by declaring that mistakes had been made by scribes and Pharis-er-translators. Jesus, who had lived in a simpler time before the miracle of capitalism, had been quoted as saying things such as “Blessed 63 are the poor.” Christians knew that it was a mistake to help the poor because they became dependent on money and wanted Social Security and medical insurance instead of depending on God to take care of them. Poverty was not only a crime against industry, it was a sin that stained the truth of television ads and the financial promises of religious capitalism. Jesus said that the greatest of his followers would be their servant but Christians knew the greatest among them was the one with the most power. And you didn’t get power on your knees; you got it by seizing it in any way you could. Your ambition showed God, and everyone else, that you had God’s permission and his blessing. Christians knew that the Beatitudes, like fancy bath towels, were for decoration not application. The scientists had drifted from church and slowly found each other, linked by the desire to have Jesus, as represented by the church, resemble the Jesus of the Bible. Powerless to change Christianity through prayer or Bible reading, they determined to reconcile the schism between Jesus and Christianity through science. And God, through science, had delivered the solution into their hands. They would clone Jesus who would rectify his preaching in order to write an improved Gospel more in keeping with Christian values and traditions. Atop the highest of the sacred mounds, the scientists agreed to find a sample of Jesus’ DNA in relics such as the true cross or the Shroud of Turin. Then, using modern technology they would create a Jesus embryo. The embryo would be placed in the womb of a carefully selected teenage virgin with a target birth date of December 25. Or maybe Easter. When Born-Again Jesus was born he would be placed in a good Christian home, raised in a Christian community and educated in church schools far from worldly contamination by hunger, disease, and the Bill of Rights. When he was grown Born-Again Jesus would preach the gospel the church and other Americans believed. As a side benefit, it was possible that by ameliorating the biblical Jesus’ 64 SLOUCHING TOWARD ZION AND MORE LIES demands they could make America, for the first time, a Christian nation. A further benefit was that Born-Again Jesus would encourage not only the reading but also the quoting of the Truly Inerrant Gospel. Christians tended to quote only those Scriptures that they agreed with. The scientists called themselves, “The Disciples of BornAgain Jesus.” Thus ended the first council known as The Council of Medicine Mounds. The Disciples returned to their schools to gather more than seven-thousand thorns from the true crown, three rooms of splinters from the true cross, five chests of threads from the true robe, a truckload of lachets...