One Man's Music: The Life and Times of Texas Songwriter Vince Bell

XIX. Path of Least Regret

110 XIX Pathof LeastRegret THE BEAST To bring the beast back to life you pull the stake from his heart. He wakes up vicious and mean, waits for the killing to start. Like a bird of prey in leather and steel, he sets a vigil to stalk those who would make him a meal. He rides his metal and wheels straight through the heart of the night. Grinding his temper to hone the sharpest blade he can find. He cuts with merciless skill the toughest feeling inside, leaves it bare to the air because there’s no place to hide. How many souls did you chain tonight, to how many walls that hide the sky? How many hopes were razed because of you? Path of Least Regret � 111 Survivors number a few, but seldom do come around. They wear the scars on their face from doing battle in town. You might suspect they would steal to someplace where it’s safe, Instead they go see the beast to throw some scrap in the cage. The psychiatric hospital north of Houston was solemn as death during my firstfew daysthere.Inever realizedjusthow self-conscious I was about seeing anyone in the mindless condition I floundered in. Because I had acknowledged to myself that I was losing the struggle, I lost some hard-fought, frightfully-won ground. I checked in on my 32nd birthday. My dogs, Buffy and Pup, and the cats would just have to do without me for a time. Report of psychological evaluation: Past medical history: Patient spent approximately two months in a hospital in Austin, and he had more than one operation for his liver problem and has been having physical therapy and speech therapy. He regained consciousness and slowly he had been regaining his memory and some of his ability to play a guitar; however, he had not been able to work ever since the accident. The patient became increasingly depressed after the accident. He has been very depressed, having crying spells. The patient has been seen by different doctors since his accident and he has been taken off and on medications for depression, but none has helped. The patient at the time of the evaluation was oriented to person , time, and place. The patient’s sensorium was clear, affect at times blunted, mood depressed, insight and judgment were age-appropriate. The patient denied all types of hallucinations and delusions. He did report suicidal ideation but no tendencies .Thepatientalsoreportedahistoryofsubstanceusetopri- 112 � One Man’s Music: The Life and Times of Texas Songwriter Vince Bell marily marijuana and beer. The patient’s speech was very low in terms of volume, output was extremely high, as a matter of factthepatienttalkedalmostincessantlythroughouttheevaluation . His thinking process appeared to be quite rigid but free of loose associations, tangential thinking or florid thoughts. The patient worked on all the tasks assigned, and the data collected is an accurate representation of his psychological state. “Visiting hours were at night, and Mother and I and some of the other family members would go to see Vince,” Shary says. “His mood swings continued, and he would go from laughing one minute to crying the next, to extreme violence the next. We were really afraid he was going to hurt himself. “It wasn’t like hospitals today where it’s very interactive and everybody gets the family in on things and into group. Vince would go to group but none of the family was involved. He kept his spirits up as well as he could, but he’d say, ‘I just can’t help it, I can’t control myself .’ He was very depressed about that.” Unfortunately,itremainedbeyondmetorecallthepeoplewhocame to visit. I wouldn’t remember that any of my family came to see me. I spoke to no one for my first three days there, sitting in a chair by the window in a commons area. On the window was a tree frog. It seemed like he had been there for days. Perhaps we both had been. Tiny, bright shades of green he was with large, interested red eyes. It didn’t seem like there was anything or anyone else in the place but happy, busy little him. And me. I thought if he could talk, maybe we both could. “Wanna cup of coffee?” he said. “Sure.” Surprised, I turned in my seat to see a strong-looking man in his fifties with a short, military haircut. He walked...