Islay: A Novel

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328 25 GENE! OWLES! REMOVES NOISE POLLUTION! Thanks to the leadership of our candidate for GOVERNOR GENE! OWLES! a major source of annoying noise was removed from Suffex. A band was playing eighteen hours a day from 6:00 a.m. to 12:00 midnight at the Merry Bandstand every day and shook Suffex with heavy noise. A series of amplifiers set up around the bandstand carried the noise across the rivers into surrounding states, attracting countless hearing people and annoying the deaf of Islay. Even the deafest of the deaf could feel the noise. The noise activated signaling lights in deaf homes. Hearing children complained to their deaf parents. The noise vibrated pictures loose from walls and scrambled TTY messages. Headaches were reported everywhere by everyone, deaf and hearing. Dr. Shooner expressed concern that powerful vibrations could destroy brain cells. Something had to be done, and our candidate for GOVERNOR GENE! OWLES! took leadership action! He organized a fantastic group of marchers called the Petite Pipers and personally led them, drawing the band and all of the hearing out of the park, out of Suffex, and across the bridge to Transylvia. Our candidate for GOVERNOR GENE! OWLES! hit two birds with one stone! He stopped the noise and got the hearing out of Islay! ISLAY FOR THE DEAF! is the avowed goal for our candidate for GOVERNOR GENE! OWLES! islay 329 Lyson dashed the newspaper down and stomped on it. He resolutely refused to watch the evening news. He knew full well where the camera was pointing the entire time. He ate alone at the table while Mary, Mortima, Evangeline, Beatrice, the Captain, Wally, Sally, and Trent watched the news in the TV room. The ham and sweet potatoes and cornbread made his stomach glad. He ate on and pondered what to do about Monte Guthrie. He liked Monte very much, and it made him sad to think about it in this way. Monte was important to Islay. The Islay Company. The Deaf. Yes, very. But Monte was having too much fun with the camera. This ham is so delicious! And the sweet potatoes , melted butter, and marshmallows! He helped himself to more. Now this Monte, such a wonderful inventor, belongs in the lab. Can’t rightly blame him, his infatuation with camera, helicopter, and women. Ah, the women! A fine and valued friend, the women, I mean Monte! Lyson tried his best to be magnanimous. Monte worked so hard, so long, his whole life. Certainly understandable he wants to play with his inventions now. Lyson sighed and licked the marshmallows off his potato. All work and no play . . . true, true. Lyson nodded at what little there was left of what undoubtedly had been a most healthy pig. But play, play, no work? Mary came running. Good news! Beautiful! You mean Gene Owles beautiful? Lyson inquired mildly. No! No! A happiness, a sense of gratitude filled her. Exota true fantastic editor! Put-together good news, cut-out bad. You should’ve seen. Really? Lyson sat back and folded his legs and wiped his mouth daintily with a napkin. You looked brave, true leader! Gene Owles looked foolish, silly— Then why Monte— Let me finish! When bridge started shaking and bouncing, remember? TV pictured perfectly how happened! Remember, at-first helicopter side-by-side with car? Then it moved front. Perfect! Bridge waving similar ocean, your arms high V shape. Through V can see Petite Pipers running after car, abandoning Gene Owles, leaving him alone by himself. So funny! Made me laugh! You should’ve seen him panicking, his hand grabbing for balance and him running behind girls, like drunk on boat! Beatrice and the Captain returned laughing and thumped Lyson on the back. “You should’ve seen the snake dance!” Beatrice cried, and laughed. “Crazy!” 330 Douglas Bullard “And the close-ups of the Petite Pipers!” the Captain guffawed. “That Monte—ha ha.” Mortima, her mouth moist, came in scowling and noticed the table and sounded the alarm. There weren’t any sweet potatoes or cornbread . All that was left of the ham was a bone, and there only was a bowlful of Brussels sprouts, now cold and bland without the warmth of the ham and sweet potatoes. Lyson! shrieked Mary and Beatrice. You’ve eaten our dinner! For the first time Lyson noticed the ham was gone. He stared at the bare bone and cried, Impossible...