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Scott Stoffel 107 Stoffel’s Guide to Snazzy Responses: Deaf-Blind Edition Don’t you just hate it when people ask stupid questions or do thoughtless things that make your life more miserable than it already is? You’d love to give those idiots a piece of your mind, but, alas, you haven’t enough left to spare a slice. Take it from me: When you’re deaf-blind, those knuckleheads seem to have taken over the Earth. It’s time to fight back! We can’t take any more of this crap! Here are some snazzy responses you can deck the dorks with. When people say, “You’re deaf? Oh, I’m so sorry!” . . . You say, “I agree totally.” When people keep shouting at you in a public place, even though you’re deaf. . . . You shout, “No, I don’t have a vibrator you can borrow!” When people comment that your poor spouse must have to take care of all your needs. . . . You yell, “Honey! My Depends need changing!” When people leave the dishwasher door open, even though they know you can’t see well. . . . You leave a thumbtack on their chair. When people keep talking to you through another person and saying, “Tell him I said. . . .” You say to the middleman, “Tell him I said, ‘Screw you!’” When people don’t believe you are deaf because you can speak. . . . You tell them you don’t believe they’re coherent, because they keep saying stupid things. When people run their sprinkles too close to the sidewalk. . . . You pee on their lawn. When people grab your white cane and ask what you use it for. . . . You say, “Unclogging toilets.” When people ask you how they can ask deaf people if they can hear in sign language. . . . You point at them and smack a fist to your forehead. When people stare at you. . . . You put both hands on their face and say, “This is how blind people stare.” When people grab your arm and ask if you need help. . . . You say, “Yes! Can you make the idiot holding my arm let go?” When people ask if you can hear thunder. . . . You ask them if they can smell a rainbow. When people ask why you don’t wear hearing aids. . . . You ask them why they don’t wear dunce caps. When people ask if you read Stoffel’s Guide. . . . You say, “Of course! Where do you think I get all these snazzy responses?” This piece was originally published in Clerc Scar, March 25, 2010, an online publication that is no longer operative. Reprinted by permission. Main_Pgs_1-330.indd 107 3/28/2012 10:24:51 AM 108 Scott Stoffel If there is something you would like to have a Stoffel’s Guide for, send your ill-advised request to: scottmstoffel@yahoo.com. Reading/Discussion Question 1. How is this a “guide”? And to what? 2. Was anything here in the “snazzy” responses unexpected? 3. Do the unexpected things fit logically into the work? How so? 4. What is the effect of the humor here? Is it a better strategy for changing the world’s assumptions and attitudes? 5. If you were to write a similar humorous guide about yourself, what would you write? Main_Pgs_1-330.indd 108 3/28/2012 10:24:51 AM ...

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