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128 C H R I S T O P H E R J O N H E U E R Conflict I have all sorts of friends who don’t talk to me. It’s weird because these same friends “talk” to me all of the time, but only in the superficial language of “Hey Chris. How are you?” or “I’m fine. Have you seen King Kong yet?” Then it gets back to me that so-and-so was mad at me three months ago, yet this is the first evidence I’ve ever heard or seen of it. Fallout is a bitch, isn’t it? You’re left wondering—why do people, especially your friends, hold things back from you? Are you unapproachable? Or are they taking the easy way out by avoiding conflict? Plus now you’ve got the added complication of Friend #2 (who just told you that Friend #1 was mad at you). Do you act like you don’t know? Or do you burn Friend #2’s cover by approaching Friend #1 and making it known, subtly or not, that you now know? What is it about conflict that makes us think we can avoid it? And what is it about the people we like, love, or at least care about that makes us think they’re unapproachable? Why do we think we’re not hurting ourselves when we’ve got something to say, but choose not to say it? I can honestly tell you that most of the people I have known—past and present—have been annoyed with me on an almost continuous basis. I consider that an even trade-off, because they’ve probably also liked me on an almost continuous basis. I used to make the mistake of running around trying to B U G 129 make everyone happy. But I’ve learned that you can’t. And you shouldn’t. A person can’t become a closer friend to you until he understands the depth of you: the complexities. The good and the bad. The only thing you really avoid when you try to avoid conflict is the opportunity to grow closer. I wonder if maybe I can’t ease things along by telling every new friend I make how a future confrontation with me would probably go: Ideally my friend would come up and say, “Man, I love you, but sometimes I really don’t like you very much.” I’d reply, “Dude, I feel exactly the same way.” Then we’d hug, or else we’d stay on our respective sides of the hypothetical rift for a while, slowly coming to the realization that we’re having our biggest conflict of all over a point we agree wholeheartedly upon. Nietzsche’s Downside What does not make you stronger will kill you. ...

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