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88 C H R I S T O P H E R J O N H E U E R Cash My Check,You Flying Brick-Headed Rat-Pole Witch! Whenever I use profanity, it’s always a surprise to me. I blame that (my surprise, not my use of profanity) on the network censors and their creative ways of recaptioning verbal expletives into something the Moral Majority of America (cough) can digest. Network censors seem to be taking advantage of the very lipreading fallacies that author Henry Kissor discussed in his book What’s That Pig Outdoors? (Do you notice how that looks exactly the same on the lips as “What’s that big loud noise?”). “F-ck you,” for example, seems to have now become “Forget you!” in the captions. “Suck my d-ck” has become “Cash my check.” “You f—ing b-tch” got downgraded to “You flying witch!” “D—head” is now “brick-head.” “Kiss my a—” has been turned into “Sniff my gas” (ironically only slightly less repulsive , when you think about it). “A—hole” once came out as “rat-pole.” I even saw an episode of some cop show where “sh-t” got translated into “drat!” Now personally, I found that one quite realistic—a New York City cop taking heavy gunfire from a bunch of hoodlums in a drug bust gone bad, crouching behind the burned-out husk of his cruiser, frantically reloading his gun and yelling, “Drat!” Yep, as dialogue, that works. None of this is my real point, however. B U G 89 If you’re ever tempted to criticize me for the profanity I use in my writing, I challenge you to answer the following question: Where the hell did I learn it? (See I just did it!) Certainly not from television . . . not with captioning censorship as crafty as this. Heard it around town? Please . . . I’m deaf, duh! Reading materials? Everyone knows deaf people can’t read worth a whit (cough). From the signing of other deaf people? Gasp! You mean the innocent, child-like, notready -to-function-in-the-hearing-world deaf people? Please! I don’t think we’re mentally or emotionally capable of producing such filth, if you want my personal opinion. Not as tried and true products of the efficient and benevolent educational techniques of our hearing benefactors, no sir! Wow, I guess. . . . I guess it must be emotional disturbance on my part! Yeah, that’s it! Captioning censorship never had anything to do with it! It was my incomprehensible psychopathology that twisted what was originally “You’re so plastered!” into “You’re such a bastard!” I get it now! Profanity was developed entirely in my own diseased mind! This is why I need hearing people’s help! I need to be turned away from Satan! I need to be cured! In fact, I no longer even believe that censorship is real! The cops really are saying, “Drat!” The abusive boyfriend in Thelma and Louise really was saying, “Cash my check, witch!” Because that makes so much more sense! I am wrong, wrong, wrong to be using such disgusting language when nobody else is (not in TV world and not in Hearing America!). I repent! I am a gosh-slammed sinner! ...

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