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Trials and Trihulations of a Teacher with Learning Disabilities • 55 Ultimately, T. J. had to settle on making peace with himself in relation to his class: "The kids are important. I'm going to do the best I can and hope and pray that my hard work will win out." Deep inside, it seemed that T. J. had doubts about his program, and he voiced a concern that stemmed from his goals for his students: "We're not preparing them for the regular classroom very well. There is too much individual work and not enough seat work going on in this class. Not only that, with the needs of the kids it's hard to fit the content areas in. That's hurting mainstreaming efforts." Stress and Ambivalence about His Job In T. J.'s second year of teaching a prominent theme emerged involving stress and ambivalence about his job. It was difficult to discern whether stress caused his ambivalence or vice versa. There is no doubt that the two were interrelated. This theme often gave the impression that T. J. was struggling , but there is ample evidence to suggest that the system thrust this quest for equilibrium on him. As T. J. commented, "Every time I look around I have more and more to do." He was even asked to continue to do all the psychoeducational testing for the special education referrals in his school. His job became more difficult in his second year, as he tried to carryon a resource program with self-contained students in his class. T. J. lamented, "I am trying to teach them like resource-room kids, and it doesn't work.... The self-contained kids don't understand, and they want more attention. They are more distractible.... I have two books on one arm, and on the other arm I am looking at math. At the same time I am looking over someone's shoulder monitoring. Monitoring is not easy for any teacher. I can do it. My learning disability doesn't hinder monitoring. But it doesn't help either.... Two things are easy to monitor but four or five things, that's more difficult. It pushes me to focus even more." In addition to his assignment, T. J. served as a backup to his special education colleague. Whenever the situation got "out of hand" he would be called into her class to help get the class under control. The intervention of a male teacher (the building principal was rarely called on) was helpful when difficult behavior episodes occurred, and frequently T. J. was called on to physically restrain students until they calmed down, which not only interrupted his work but also had a disruptive effect on his class. Also, it was not uncommon for students in the other class to spend a cooling-off period in T. J.'s crowded class before they returned to their own. "Bottom line is that they need another teacher," he noted. "Other school systems have self-contained classes for both students with behavior disorders and learning disabilities ." Another source of stress and ambivalence was his relationship with the supervisor of special education. From the outset T. J. never seemed to establish a solid understanding with his supervisor. She did not understand his needs and the relationship deteriorated over most of the year. T. J. interpreted her behavior and comments as "a lack of confidence in him" and "a doubting of his competence." T. J. had exchanges with his supervisor and came away remembering statements such as "I'm not going to hold your hand and do it for you," "Didn't you learn anything the first year," and "You may feel that LD is my only responsibility, but it isn't." T. J. had a very difficult time understanding the source of the problem with his supervisor. The scenes in public were even more perplexing: "She's cut me down in front of my students, parents, and my (fellow) teachers. I just can't figure it out." T. J. sought to understand this ongoing problem, and conversations with his principal proved helpful in relieving his stress. Moreover, insights from colleagues in his school division yielded insights such as "I am asking because I am not confident, and 56 • Paul J. Gerber I am asking because I want to know if I am doing it like she [the director of special education] wants it.... Last year it was hands off, this year it's attention to details...

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