What Works for Women at Work: Four Patterns Working Women Need to Know

12. Leave or Stay? Reading the Tea Leaves

261 12 Leave or Stay? Reading the Tea Leaves A woman is like a tea bag—you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. — eleanor roosevelt one of the biggest mistakes you can make is soldiering on in a job that’s not going well long after you should have left. in chapter 3, we discussed ways to get credit for your work in the face of stereotypes that men are better professionals than women. in chapters 5 and 6, we discussed strategies to avoid getting pegged as a doormat or labeled a bitch. in chapter 8, we discussed how mothers can overcome or avoid stereotypes that they are less competent and committed than their peers. in chapter 10, we discussed what to do to defuse potentially career-destroying conflict between women. Sometimes, none of these strategies work. the nature of organizations is that sometimes you make a misstep that there’s no recovering from. the nature of hierarchies is that there are always some people at the bottom. And the nature of bias is that sometimes you’re not what’s wrong—there’s just not a fit between you and the organization you’re in. Sometimes, in other words, it’s time to leave. this is not a decision to be taken lightly. this chapter and the next are designed to help. here’s how to figure out if the office you’re in is right for you. 262 • Leave or Stay? Reading the Tea Leaves Sign #1: You’re Undervalued one of the most common patterns of gender bias is that women get stuck in a few tightly cabined roles: a gofer, called on to service other people’s clients but not develop their own or to do a neverending stream of “nice work” that, while important, leads nowhere. We’ve already discussed ways you can try to turn this pattern around. but if none of them are working, it may be time to move on. one consultant found that, after she had children, she hit the Maternal Wall. “i knew i was undervalued,” she said. “i knew it was because i was a mother and i wasn’t willing to do everything that my male counterpart was willing to do. So i took myself out of contention. but the salary was just unacceptable.” Knowing she wouldn’t be able to rise any higher at her current company, she started searching for jobs elsewhere—and found another position where she was paid twice as much. Another new girl said she left her job after being sent messages that she would be the next promotion, but only because the company needed to promote a woman. What her business head said was, “the next person i need to take in this job is a woman. And if i take a woman, you’re the one i want. but i don’t need one right now.” What she heard was, “We need to take a woman, and you’re the girl we want. but if we didn’t have to take a girl, we wouldn’t want one.” it was a strong signal that she could find a place to spend her career that would be more supportive of women—as individuals rather than as boxes to check. Whether it’s that you’re not getting good assignments, not getting promotions that you deserve, or not getting paid as much as your peers, there comes a point when you need to ask yourself if your loyalty is being rewarded or just taken for granted. “getting passed over once, i don’t think you need to get all freaked out,” said an employment lawyer. “i think when you’ve been passed over twice, you really need to start doing something or thinking things through. you get passed over three times, it’s a big problem.” Leave or Stay? Reading the Tea Leaves • 263 Sign #2: There Aren’t Many Women at the Senior Levels of the Company When Rachel was a paralegal, she would often conduct intake interviews with potential clients for employment discrimination cases. Some of the claims were funny, like the man who wanted to sue his employer for discriminating against him because of his beard. She had to explain that “bearded men” are not a legally protected category. Some of the calls, however, hit close to home, like one...