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2 The Affective Approach to Discipline Underpinnings and Three Principles T he Affective approach to discipline grew out of the writings of theorists on adult psychotherapy, particularly Sigmund Freud and Carl Rogers. Although Freud and Rogers did not say much about discipline themselves , their theories certainly had major implications for the way adults disciplined children, and several of their followers did, in fact, develop these ideas into what I am terming the Affective approach to discipline. Early Freudians, both psychoanalysts and their patients, were somewhat naive and unsophisticated in the way they applied Freudian notions to caregiving . Because patients in psychoanalysis tended (and were encouraged) to spend a lot of time complaining about the intrusiveness and awfulness of their parents, some early enthusiasts of psychoanalysis assumed that the key to becoming a healthy adult was to be raised by very permissive parents. Among these devotees of permissiveness was, early in his career, Doctor Benjamin Spock, the pediatrician whose book Baby and Child Care went through many editions and became a fixture in the households of most American families, especially in the third quarter of the twentieth century. This approach, which some have termed “vulgar” (overly simplistic) Freudianism, was later replaced by a more nuanced synthesis, one the later Doctor Spock summarized as “firm but friendly,” in which parents were encouraged to be permissive of feelings (no matter what their content) even while setting limits on unacceptable overt acts. Rogers was a major figure in twentieth-century psychology. He devised a system of psychotherapy that he termed “non-directive therapy,” which relied mainly on the use of a technique he called “active” (or reflective) listening. This technique involves a therapist’s responding to a patient’s comments by serially The Affective Approach to Discipline 19 reflecting back to him, each time with slightly different (and more specific) words, the feeling the therapist believes is being expressed. An example would be the following: A young man named Robert seems upset over a perceived slight from his father. The therapist could say, “It disappointed you that your dad gave your sister a bigger present than he gave you?” Robert might reply, “Yes, it wasn’t fair,” to which the therapist could reply, “You wish your father loved you as much as your sister?” The purpose of such a sequence of increasingly more focused questions is to give Robert a chance to clarify his feelings (including the chance to say “no” when the therapist misses the mark) and to open him up to exploring feelings that might be somewhat buried and confusing to him. Rogers also believed in the importance of showing respect for the personhood of the patient, no matter the nature of his past acts or of the feelings being expressed. He termed this concept the principle of “unconditional positive regard,” meaning that every human being has the same intrinsic worth, and that worth is not diminished, no matter what thoughts, feelings, or acts have been expressed by the person. The implication of this principle for discipline is that caregivers should never convey to a child any diminished valuation of the child (e.g., through sarcasm or “guilt trips”), even when the caregiver has to set a limit on some unacceptable behavior by the child. The Affective approach to discipline, expressed in a widely read book by Dorothy Baruch (1949), is based on the idea that unacceptable behavior in a child is always motivated by feelings (affect), and that the way to defuse many conflict situations is to provide an acceptable outlet for those feelings. Helping the child to get in touch with his feelings and to understand that all feelings are acceptable is seen as essential for healthy socioemotional development in the child. A logical flip side of this argument is that caregivers also have feelings that they have a right to express, and children must learn to recognize and respect those feelings. The principle of unconditional positive regard also requires caregivers to always keep in mind that discipline messages must be directed toward the child’s specific action and that disrespectful or damaging comments about the child’s personhood are to be avoided. Skilled discipline in the Affective system involves a balancing act. Caregivers have a right and responsibility to communicate disapproval of specific unacceptable actions, but such communications should also (1) acknowledge the legitimacy of the child’s feelings (both those that underlie the act as well as those stemming from the imposition of a limit) and (2) address...

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