Filipino American Lives

Chapter 7: "I Only Finished First Grade"

Running awayjrofln HOflne Chapter 7 "I Only Finished First Grade" ~eflnesia <:ortez I was born in 1943 in Bulag Bantay, Ilocos Sur. My whole family, my father's side and my mother's side, came from there. My parents were farmers. I only fmished first grade, and then I worked on the farms. In the old days, whatever your parents wanted to do with you, like if they wanted you to marry somebody, whether you liked it or not, you got to marry these people. It was the old style for them. I guess they just wanted us to be somebody when we grew up. They didn't know our feelings. So when my mother met this man that she thought I will be okay with, she wanted me to marry him. I was nineteen years old. But I said no, because he already had three kids. I said to my mother, "There is no way I am going to take care ofsomebody else's kids. I want to take care of my own." When my mother forced me to marry that guy, I ran away to my auntie's piace in Pangasinan. But my mother didn't know that I went there. When they could not find me at home, my mother went to the highway and stopped all the cars. She called up the radio stations. She stopped all the buses coming by from the highway to look for me. But I was not there. They could not find me. What happened was that I was so late going to the place to take the bus that there was no more transportation. But there was one pickup truck which had all the bagoong [salted fried shrimp]. I asked the people in the truck if I could ride with them. They told me that they were not taking passengers. But I explained to them that I had to run away from this guy that my mom wanted me to marry because I didn't want to marry him. So they let me sit down by the bagoong, and they hid me there. I saw my mother on the highway. I saw that she tried to stop all the buses. Copyrighted Material 117 118 • Nemesia Cortez But when she stopped our pickup, the lady who owned the bagoong said that she hadn't seen anybody. I was so relieved then. We left my hometown maybe around 9:00 in the morning, and we reached Tagupan around 3:30 in the afternoon. When we reached Tagupan, I stayed with the lady who owned the bagoong at this place. There was this old man there who had a son. He saw me and he wanted me to marry his son. I told him, " Hell, no." I said to the lady that I was with, "This man wants me to marry his son. I don't like it. Can you do something about it?" She told me, "Yes, he talked to me about it last night. So why don't you pretend to go and sell something? Just put your clothes inside those fivegallon cans." That's what we did. She put my clothes inside those cans, and then we pretended that we were going to sell something. Then I went to Pangasinan to my auntie's place. When I arrived at my auntie's place the next day, my mother was already there looking for me. I told her that I was not going home with her. My oldest brother was also there. He was mad at me because I was giving my mother a hard time. They didn't understand my side, so I just didn't say anything. But when my uncle arrived in Pangasinan from Manila, I asked him to let me come with him, because I did not want to go back to Bulag Bantay with my mother. Getting Married I went with my uncle to his place in Manila. When I was in Ilocos Sur, I did not know how to speak Tagalog. I only knew Ilocano. When I went to Manila, I had one week to learn Tagalog. Thank God, I learned. I learned by ear. I practiced Tagalog with the kids, because kids don't know that is not the way you are supposed to speak. So they tell you how to pronounce the words. So I learned Tagalog the same way that I learned English when I came here--by ear. In the meantime, my auntie went to San Francisco to visit her husband, who was in the U.S. Marines. After six months, her husband passed away. So she brought her husband's body back to the Philippines. Her brother-inlaw came with her. Of course, the whole family went to Pangasinan to attend the funeral, and they wanted me to go too. I told them that I didn't want to go and that I wanted to stay in Manila. But my auntie called me from Pangasinan and said, "You just come. You don't have to do anything." I was surprised that they were so nice to me again. They came to Manila and packed all my clothes. So I really didn't have any choice. When I got to my auntie's house, they locked me up in the room. They cornered me again. They wanted me to marry my auntie's brother-in-law. I told them that I didn't want to get married yet. The thing was I already had a boyfriend in I1ocos Sur. We wrote letters because that was the only way Copyrighted Material Nemesia Cortez • 119 • Nemesia Cortez (far right) posing with family members at Manila International Airport prior to leavingfor Hawaii, 1965 • that we could do it. We could not see each other. When I was in Manila, I wrote to my boyfriend that we had to save some money before we got married. When I told my family that I already had my boyfriend and that we were already sending letters for seven years, my uncle said, "Did he kiss you?" I said, " No." So my uncle told me, "Well, ifhe didn't kiss you, then you can marry this guy. I want you to be somebody later on." So I didn't have any choice. We got married at the U.S. embassy. I really had a hard time when we got married. Of course, I didn't love this man, and he was older than I was. When they asked, "Do you love this man?," my aunt had to pinch me in the back for me to respond. So finally I said yes, because I didn't have any choice. They all surrounded me. I said to them, "If this is really what you guys want, I want him to take care ofme. That's all I want." So that's what happened. Life in Hawaii My husband was a civilian worker at Pearl Harbor. He was a sandblaster. He was originally from Bulag Bantay, where I came from, but he grew up in Pangasinan. I don't know what year he went to Hawaii, maybe in 1945 or something like that. Copyrighted Material 120 • Nemesia Cortez Three months after we got married, he brought me to Honolulu. I arrived in Hawaii on July 10, 1965. My husband wasn't making that much money. So in 1967, I started working. I worked for the pineapple factory. I made $1.45 an hour at that time. We were doing okay. The rent was only $45 a month. So we saved little by little. After three years in Hawaii, I got my citizenship. God was helping me, because, like I said, I only finished first grade. I did not go to school for the citizenship. Somebody gave me a home-study card, and I tried to study from that. Thank God the questions that they gave me were not so hard: Who was the first president? How many states? How many senators? I wanted to be a citizen because I wanted to bring my family here, and I wanted to vote. I vote, but I don't belong to any party. I want to vote for people who can help the poor people. I wish Kennedy were still alive. I learned to love my husband because he was so good to me. He took care of me and the children. If you really respect marriage and respect what your husband gives you, then you learn to love him. We have two daughters . My oldest was born on January 4, 1966, in Hawaii. I had a hard time delivering her. It took me one week. So I told myself that I was not going to have any more babies. But then my husband said, "Ifyou don't want any more babies, I understand. But I want a son. So if you agree to adopt, we can adopt, because I don't want to push you to have another baby if you cannot." I told him that I had to think about it. It took me five years to think about it. I said to myself, "Why do I have to take care of somebody else's kid~ Why don't I just have my own?" So we had a second baby. It was a girl again, but we love her just the same. We stayed in Hawaii for nine years. We lived close to a lot of Filipinos. We were poor but we were happy, because on Saturdays and Sundays, we always went to the beach and had picnics. It is not like it is here now, where everything is so expensive and everybody is so busy making money. When some people from Hawaii came and visited me last week, I told them, "We are not happy any more. It's not like before. We don't even see each other." In 1973, my husband passed away. I was thirty-two years old. I think that's when I grew up, because I had no one else to take care of me. I didn't even know how to cook. When I was single and lived with my mother, I liked to work in the fields better than inside the house. It was more fun working outside. There was fresh air and everything. When I got married, my husband cooked everything. It's when you have nobody to cook for you that you learn how to do it. When my husband passed away, I tried to go back to the Philippines. I had some money from my husband's life insurance. But the president of the union came and talked to me. I told him that I was going back home because if you had money in the Philippines, you could have a maid, and you could have this and that. But what he told me was, "Okay, you have money right Copyrighted Material Nemesia Cortez • 121 now. But if you go back to the Philippines, once you spend all your money, what if you and your kids want to go back to the United States? Who is going to sponsor you then? I want you to think twice before you even go." What he said was true. I had to put things together, and decide what was best for me and my children. If I go to the Philippines, of course, I would have a good life while I have that money. But what happens when the money is all gone? So we stayed in Hawaii. I still appreciate what the president of the union did for me and my children. Moving to San Diego In 1974, a friend of mine applied to buy a house here on the mainland, and she encouraged me to also. I thought to myself, "Why not?" All of us who wanted to buy land here went on a tour of the West Coast. We went and sawall these different places so we could decide where to settle down. We went to Oxnard. We went to Washington State, which I didn't like because it gets too cold there sometimes, and it rains so much. We went to Los Angeles. Then we went to San Diego. When we reached Oceanside, the breeze was so nice. I decided to stay in Oceanside. I like the weather here. I didn't know anybody in Oceanside when I made the decision to buy a house here. Because I didn't have my husband any more at the time, I told myself and my kids that God was with us and that we were going to make it. We came over here alone, just me and my kids. We didn't have a car then. We just rode the bus until I got tired of riding the bus and bought a car. At that time, this area was all farms. They were selling a place over here, two and a half acres for only $25,000. If my mind before were my mind right now, I would have bought that piece of land. When I fIrSt came here, I had some money. Not much, but good enough to get by. First, I worked in the tomato farm. I had a friend who worked there, and she encouraged me to go and work with her. My kids were in school already, so I went to work. I made pretty good money then. When my kids were in the first and eighth grade, I met this Filipino lady, Mrs. Peachy Ribaya, at a party. She was running a boarding home then for the old people. I asked her if I could go and watch what she does. Then I asked her if she could help me to open a business from my house, because I needed to be home when my kids came home from school. I didn't know anything about the business then. So Mrs. Ribaya brought me to San Diego to these seminars so I could get a license. Before it was not so hard to get a license. Now, you have to spend many days going to seminars and things like that. It's much harder now. I started my own boarding house in 1982. I believe a lot of Filipinos are in this business now. Before, I didn't have any problem getting people [boarders]. But now I only have four people. They are all white. Filipinos Copyrighted Material 122 • Nemesia Cortez don't need boarding homes, because their family takes care of them when they get old. It is a difficult business, but no matter how hard the job is, if you enjoy it, you don't feel how hard it is. And I enjoy helping people. Ties to the Philippines I have gone back to the Philippines about five times already. I went to three places. I went to Manila; then I went to Pangasinan; and then I went to Bocos Sur. I love to go back just to visit, because my family is still there. But things have changed. When I drink the water there, I get upset stomach too much. My stomach cannot take it any more. There also are a lot ofmosquitoes . When you go to the store, the meat doesn't look clean. And when you walk through the streets, you cannot take a breath any more. My children went to the Philippines once, but they didn't like it at all. As a matter of fact, when my oldest one arrived in Manila, her whole face was swollen from the pollution. She was allergic. So she never even wants to hear about going back to the Philippines. I am not trying to put my country down. I love the Philippines. I was born there, but things seem totally different now. I was twenty-two when I came to the United States, and I am forty-nine years old now. So I have lived here longer than in the Philippines. I don't want to go back there to live, especially now that we don't have the Americans to guide us any more. A hundred times I want to stay here, ten times I want to stay there. But it is not really that important for me to go there any more because my kids are here. I don't have any business there any more. My brothers and sisters have their own families, and I have my own family here. So they understand. I have seven brothers and sisters. They all married people from Hocos Sur. When you don't go anyplace else and you don't meet anybody else, I guess you tend to marry the ones you already know. You don't have much choice. Three of my siblings are in Bocos Sur, and one is in Pangasinan. I have one brother in Washington State right now. He is in the U.S. Army. And I have one brother in Honolulu. I sponsored both of them to come here. What I did was I ordered my mother fmt. Then I used my mother's name to sponsor my two brothers. It was pretty easy to order them before. I brought my mother over here because I wanted her to taste life in the United States. I believe that we have a better chance over here than in the Philippines. But she went back to the Philippines. I send money home to support her. But once she is gone, me and my children have to be on our own. My family in the Philippines has to know that I am a single parent supporting my kids. Sometimes they think we pick up money under the tree. Copyrighted Material Nemesia Cortez • 123 Community Involvement There are not many Filipinos In my neighborhood, but it really doesn't matter to me. I am okay here. Right now, I'd rather be alone than to be around so many Filipinos. I am not saying that I don't like Filipinos, but I have learned that the more you know somebody and the more they find out who you are, the more they talk about you. No matter how much you help people, still they talk about you. So I am trying to avoid that. That's the sickness ofthe Filipinos; they are very j~alous. No matter where you go, still they talk about you. The only time that I see other Filipinos is when there is a gathering like th'e Filipino cultural events or the Filipino parties. But because of my business , I cannot just go anytime that they invite me. I have to stay here. What's really important to me is my business. I don't trust other people to take care of my people [the boarders] . My people are the most important to me right now. I used to be a member ofthe Fil Am [Filipino American] Cultural Association but not any more. I tell them, "Just ask me what kind of contribution I could give, and I'll be happy to give." This way, they cannot pressure me to do whatever they want me to do. I don't have to be involved so much. I figure that if you are a member, they are not going to stop pressuring you until you say yes. But if you are not a member, they cannot force you. Culture, Identity, and Child-Rearing When people ask me who I am, I say I am a Filipino. I never tell them that I am American, even though I have lived here longer than I have lived in the Philippines. Even though I am a citizen of the United States, still I am a Filipino. I guess Americans are people who were born here. But even if I were born here, I am still a Filipino, because my blood is still Filipino. Being Filipino is important to me because I respect my father and mother. To respect them, I still am a Filipino. Just the way I respect my husband, even though he passed away already, still I am using his last name. Even though my husband was older than I was, I am so proud that he came to the Philippines, married me, and brought me to the United States so my children and me now could have a good life. When my youngest daughter was five years old, I asked her, "Who are you? Are you a Filipino?" She told me, "No, I am an American Filipino." The oldest says she is a Filipino but that she was born in Hawaii. My daughters have never told me that they didn't want to be Filipinos or that they only wanted to be Americans. My children were born and raised here, so they do pretty much what they want. They think they know everything. I can only do so much as a Copyrighted Material 124 • Nemesia Cortez parent. It's tough sometimes to be both a mother and a father. Like when I taught my daughter how to drive, I told her to slow down but she pressed on the gas instead. So I said, "Help me, Lord." I tried to raise my daughters the Filipino way. To me, the Filipino way is to respect other people. When you go to their house, you don't have to run all over the place, jumping on top of their beds. Sit down nicely and respect people. When they talk to you, you have to talk to them. When I was young, when we had visitors, my parents only had to look at us and that meant we had to get away, because this was for adults only. And ifyou didn't do that, when the visitors went home, you were going to get it. When I try to teach my kids these things, they tell me that I sound like an old record. They even talk back to me sometimes. In the Philippines, when my father said don't do this or don't do that, you listened to him. Not here. But you just have to stand beside the children. You can only do so much. Even if the kids are nice in the house, when they go outside, you don't know what they are doing. I'll be happy, even when I am not here any more, if they can learn to respect people. That's the most important thing. My problem right now is that my children don't go to church any more. When they were kids, my oldest one even went to Catholic school. And now she doesn't even want to go to mass. She says she doesn't have time but I don't believe that, because it only takes an hour of your time. The first time that my daughter brought her boyfriend to the house, she was eighteen years old. I almost passed away, knocked out. Lord, tell me what to do? My oldest daughter is already married with two kids. She lives two blocks away. She married a white person she met at work. He was her manager. I wish she'd married a Filipino. I tried to stop my daughter's wedding because I wanted her to finish school first before she got married. But I did my best for her wedding. To Filipinos, a wedding is the last happiness that you can give to your kids. So you try to do your best, especially for your oldest one. My daughter got everything she wanted for her wedding. Her in-laws-they live in Chicago-didn't help me at all with the wedding. Filipino funerals are also different, because to show respect, we wear black clothes for nine months. And then we do the prayers for nine days. After that, we do the prayers again on the forty-fifth day. I haven't seen any American do that yet. I hope my children will do this when I die. I really hope so, or I'll have it in my will. Honest to goodness, I don't mind whom my daughters marry, I just hope that it is not going to be colored baluga [black1people. I am not saying that I have anything against them. I don't know why because I can make friends with baluga. I know that it is not only baluga; in any nationality, there are some bad people. But I keep praying to God, " Don't let my kids marry baluga." Copyrighted Material Nemesia Cortez • 125 I prefer for my daughters to marry Filipinos, because I know that Filipinos can save money. There are Americans who also know how to save money, but I believe that the Filipinos can take care of their money better than anybody else. We Filipinos know how to value money. We appreciate what we make. We appreciate how hard we have worked. What I see here is that the Americans like to go out, they don't like to save. And once their kids are eighteen, they finish their responsibility as parents. Filipinos don't do that. My oldest one likes to be Americanized. She doesn't save money like we do. She just wants to go out and have a good time. That's what I call Americanized. I know that they want to give some gifts to themselves, but what about tomorrow? They don't have the tomorrow, they only have the today. But I like some American ways. For example, when the old Filipinos get mad, they don't want to talk to you, period. But the Americans, when they did something wrong, they would admit that they were wrong and say that they are sorry. Filipinos don't do that. My oldest daughter, she spoke Ilocano until she went to first grade. When we came over here, she stopped speaking it. Now she understands Iiocano, but she doesn't speak it. The youngest one grew up here, so she doesn't even understand it. I speak to them in English. When my grandchildren come over here, I try to teach them how to speak my language, Ilocano. One is eight years old, and the other is five years old. They could pronounce the words, but they told me, " Nanny, I have a hard time pronouncing these words sometimes. So is it okay if I memorize some words and not all of it?" I said, " Well, as long as you can say a couple ofwords." They understand maybe two or three words. That's all. I teach them how to eat Filipino food. I told them, "You will be beautiful if you eat Filipino food." Discrimination I don't see much discrimination here. Not yet. Thank God. But I don't see people that much. I don't bother them, and they don't bother me. The only thing that happened to me was when I was working in the tomato field and I went to a store that had a sale. I went straight to the store from work. Of course, I was not clean. I kept asking this salesperson the price for one of the items. I guess he thought I didn't have any money, because he kept ignoring me. No matter how many times I tried to talk to him, he just ignored me. So I came home, changed my clothes, and came back to the store. Ofcourse, I put all my rings on, you know. When I got to the store, I didn't even open the door, yet this same salesperson opened the door for me. He asked me, "Can I help you?" And I said, " Do you remember me? I was the one asking you five times how Copyrighted Material 126 • Nemesia Cortez much this price is. And you ignored me. You even walked away from me. I understand if you had somebody talking to you, but you didn't. Now you come and talk to me?" I went and complained to the manager, "It's not right. How does he know that I don't have money?" "I Am Happy with My Life" I am happy with my life here, with my business. The only thing that bothers me is that I don't have any education. Sometimes when people ask me what college I went to, I just smile. It bothers me when they ask me, but at the same time I am not ashamed to tell them that I only finished first grade. I tell them the truth. I want to end my story with a happy ending. Last August [1993], I got to go to Europe. My granddaughter came with me. She was nine years old. I always wanted to go to Europe. I worked so hard and saved little by little to get there. I landed in Frankfurt, Germany, and my brother met me there. He is in the Army and is stationed there. After Germany, we went to Austria, then Rome, then London, then France. It was so beautiful, especially the castles and the churches. Castles and churches-that's all I went to see. My favorite place is Paris. It was so amazing. The buildings are so beautiful. I just hope I can go back again. I would like to go to Spain someday. I want to go visit Saint Lourdes, the big church there. Things are going well for me. I believe that my husband must still be praying for me. Copyrighted Material ...