Promising

Chapter One: The Paradox of Promise: Some Introductory Remarks

CHAPTER ONE The Paradox of Promise: Some Introductory Remarks To breed an animal with the right to make promises-is not this the paradoxical task that nature has set itself in the case of man? is it not the real problem regarding man? FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE, On the Genealogy of Morals The Paradox F riedrich Nietzsche's prose cuts clear to the center and identifies the fundamental paradox of promising: human beings can intend a future they see only vaguely. In promising, we engage our wills in the process of getting the future to tum out as we planned. But it is precisely our relative blindness about the future that requires us to predict it boldly and then to guide our lives' activities-and the lives of others-toward it. Hence, the promise demands assertiveness, commitment, and certainty at precisely the point where we are least able to give it. It is not surprising, then, that promises are attended with pomp and circumstance: the oath, the marriage ceremony, the signing of a contract.' Perhaps not fully trusting our abilities, we often require promises to be made in public or to God. Ceremonies and public expressions of intent serve to inspire, cajole, and threaten the promisor. Despite such precautions, broken promises are found everywhere in history and literature. Indeed, who has not broken a promise, however mundane? Who has not felt the will weakened by unforeseen contingencies or has spoken words in politeness only to have them misinterpreted as a sincere expression of intention? The paradox is real and often felt. In an act I Copyrighted Material CHAPTER ONE of promising we seek to steady an otherwise uncertain future into which we blindly hurl ourselves. Can anything be at once more necessary and more foolish? There is hubris: in promising, I boldly assert that the future will tum out as I say. There is danger: a broken promise can lead to financial penalty or the loss of one's standing in the community. Why would anyone but the most desperate accept a promise or risk making one? Yet there are times when one cannot imagine not making a promise, despite its dangers. Not long ago my friend Steve asked me for a philosophical perspective on a moral problem he was having.2 A year before, Steve had lost both his mother and sister to cancer within three months of each other. He had lost his father to cancer ten years earlier. His sister, Moya, had an eight-year-old son, Johnny, whom she raised by herself. Johnny's father disappeared long ago. On her deathbed Moya asked Steve if he would care for Johnny and take him into his family. Steve said yes, believing that he was the only living relative who was both willing and able to care for the boy. Two months after Moya's death, Steve's wife, Helen, gave birth to their own daughter, whom they named Moya. The next year proved difficult for everyone . They moved across country, where Steve had taken a new job. The stress of mourning took its toll on everyone, especially on Steve and Johnny. Helen was adjusting simultaneously to motherhood and stepmotherhood. Johnny was your average rambunctious eight-year-old boy, with the added rage brought on by the loss of his mother and grandmother, by displacement, and by being forced to live with relatives who, at their best, were no substitute for his mother. He was loud, wild, disobedient , and uncooperative. He would listen only to Steve. Helen, a petite Indonesian woman, was not accustomed to such behavior from a young boy and soon found daily life unbearable. After a year of patience and family therapy, Helen announced that either Johnny would have to leave or that she and the baby 2 Copyrighted Material The Paradox of Promise would return permanently to Indonesia. Steve assured me that her threat was no bluff. We have here in a single moment a brother's promise to Moya; an uncle's commitment to Johnny; a husband's vow to Helen; and a father's love for baby Moya. Promising is a fundamental human experience. Our lives are filled with promises, not all of them consistent or easily discharged. Promising shows us at once our talents and our frailty. Our very existence as social, self-conscious, creative, and productive human beings depends, in large part, on the promise in all its myriad forms...