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6. separate species: relationships with the world and with ourselves
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a separate species: relationships with the world and with ourselves six W ell spouses often talk about how old friends no longer come around. They add that they no longer feel comfortable with old friends, and they can't make new friends because they never go anywhere . "We don't fit in with married couples," they continue , "nor are we exactly swinging singles." Saying things like this, some of them have tears in their eyes. My own experience has been slightly different. While I have contended with some of that isolation, I have also had many good friends who have listened, if not understood. Moreover, many of my friendships have been enhanced by my being a well spouse; for example, a friend who just found out that her forty-two-year-old husband might have Alzheimer 's can turn to me for understanding. Some friendships have begun because of shared well-spouse experiences . A poet acquaintance became a friend when, at a chance meeting at the local drugstore, she mentioned that a lover of hers had died from complications of MS. A mother in the park has a husband who's manic depressive, so we always have long conversations. 110 Copyrighted Material a separate species 111 However, one of my non-well-spouse friends recently confided that she has felt overawed by my circumstances. "Sometimes I find that I hesitate to share my own personal problems with you," she said. "I'm afraid they'll just pale in the light of yours." This friend did add, "You act in such a way that I usually don't feel that way." Still, I join all well spouses in feeling some alienation from the world. Not only are we becoming a separate species from our ill spouses, we're becoming a separate species, period. Perhaps, to the rest of the world, we're the ones who are ill. The motto of the Well Spouse Foundation is, "When one is sick, two need help." In my book The Level of Doorknobs I talk about "the disabled family." Jeff's MS makes the entire household disabled. I use the word alienated to describe how I've felt much of the time, although I have kept up many friendships, old and new ... although I have been able to do nearly everything I've wanted to do, though maybe not as much of it as I've wanted ... although being a well spouse has not kept me from writing, doing math, teaching, piano playing, singing , thrift shopping, and being a full-time, stay-at-home mother ... although I've connected up with the world in the way I've wanted to ... although I feel satisfied that I've been able to contribute what I have in me to contribute ... and although it does not sound as though I've been isolated or alienated. Our experience simply is not that of most people. A well spouse does not view things the way a non-well spouse does. "In social situations," says Fern, "or with relatives, other people are in their various normal stages, and they Copyrighted Material [54.85.255.74] Project MUSE (2024-03-19 05:49 GMT) dirty details 112 have various normal news, like ski trips and marriages and stuff. What can I talk about? I can say, 'Well, I had a whole hour to myself last week.' It feels like nothing, compared to what other people do. It's when I get together with other people that I realize how different I am. At home I don't quite realize, I take my life pretty much for granted." Recall that Fern is a working person, a professionat she also has a wide range of friends and goes on weekend trips, probably as often as anybody else. Still, she has the feeling of being different; there is always that threat, that tendency toward anger, bitterness, and alienation. What I felt was confused. I couldn't believe that society, which included my friends and relatives, was allowing our dire straits to continue. As an adult, I understood that my attitude was at least slightly nonsensical or unrealistic; still, I felt betrayed. And when people (usually acquaintances rather than friends) said things like "We all have our crosses to bear" or "We have to be strong," I was either too furious to say much or too furious to keep my mouth shut. On the other hand, when people had the right attitude , when they sympathized, when...