African Americans Doing Feminism: Putting Theory into Everyday Practice

6. Feminist Compassion: A Gay Man Loving Black Women

Chapter 6 Feminist Compassion A Gay Man Loving Black Women Todd C. Shaw How can I be gay and love Black women as a man in a society that defines manhood by violence against women? African American women gave me the answer to that question. Black feminism, or what I synonymously refer to as “womanism,”1 helped me to see how I could cease being a problem and become a part of the solution. Getting involved on behalf of my sisters, I grew to see how feminism is linked to any person’s humanity, man or woman. As I found my voice and learned to speak out about the violent abuse of Black women, I also found myself and learned to come out as a Black, same-gender-loving man, both of which are ongoing processes. As a college professor I teach a course on African American political thought that includes sections on African American feminist and womanist thought. I want students to grapple with how Black feminism informs and usefully challenges all schools of Black political thought. I also research African American ideology and how certain factors shape what African Americans consider a “community interest.” Socioeconomic class is one factor that shapes community interest for African Americans; according to my research, gender is another.2 But, for all my intellectual interests and training, it was the compassion of Black women who embodied womanist principles—feminism as lived in our everyday lives—that taught me the most about community interests and how those interests affect my life. When I turned 25 years old, I remember seriously struggling with whether I was bisexual or gay. My dating experiences, with two African American women in particular, often made me think about a poem by Haki Madhubuti3 that includes the following lines: 101 102 Todd C. Shaw my brothers I will not tell you who to love or not love i will only say to you that black women have not been loved enough. . . . no my brothers I will not tell you who to love or not love but i will make you aware of our self-hating and hurting ways. make you aware of whose bellies you dropped from. i will glue your ears to those images you reflect which are not being loved. That poem made me ask, “If I am a same-gender-loving man, what relationship am I going to have with Black women? How can I love Black women as a Black gay man? Am I disappointing Black women by coming out as gay? Is my sexual preference another way of not being there for Black women and not fulfilling a deep need to love them?” Those are the questions and fears that raced through my mind for quite a while. I had been dating a Black feminist, but at one point I started to pull away as I grappled with my sexuality. When that happened, she confronted me about my lack of openness with her. Then she wrapped her arms around me and replied, “You are loved as you are.” She held me in her arms and lovingly told me, “Your truth is your truth; I accept it and love you; I care for you, everything is going to be all right.” This nurturing gesture by a Black woman had a profound impact on me. Amid the tears I found a new kind of compassion that was echoed by the many other sisters I came to confide in over the years, including my beloved mother. Eventually I came to identify that compassion with feminism. Afrocentric and Womanist I was born in 1965, so I grew up during a period of political and cultural upheaval. The women in my life were my primary role models for being human. First and foremost were women like my mother and grandmother, who do not necessarily identify with the term feminist but are independent souls of great 103 Feminist Compassion breadth and spiritual wisdom. My father played a primary role in teaching me how to be truly Christ-inspired and, thus, fully compassionate. His spiritual growth set an example for my own evolution later. He frequently told my brothers and me that he loved us, and his compassion as a father exemplified the unconditional love of the “Heavenly Father, Mother, God” that I believe exists today. In many ways, he defied what the world (particularly many Black preachers) has taught...