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c h a p t e r f o u r What Is Friendship? What is a friend? A teen might answer, “My friends are the people I like to hang out with.” Adults may speak of the people who share their tastes and interests. Sometimes we speak of friends in terms of the settings in which we interact: our “work friends” or our “friends at the lake.” In the new world of social networking , people speak of their “Facebook friends” or “Twitter friends.” A common thread is a sense of connectedness—a network of persons whom we like and enjoy (and who, we hope, like and enjoy us in return). Probe a bit deeper and people may speak of true friends as “the folks who will be there for me when I need them.” We move beyond casual connection to loyalty and commitment because our lives have become intertwined in a manner that permits friends to have meaningful expectations of one another. In this chapter, we explore friendship from the perspectives of the social sciences and one particular philosopher: Aristotle. First, we note the challenges gerontologists have encountered in trying to understand friendship, a relationship that “persons on the street” have little trouble describing but which causes social scientists all kinds of difficulties when they try to put it under their lens and study it. One of their research challenges is that friendships exist in time, and personal choices and life circumstances sometimes cause disruptions in friendships. For older people, of course, the greatest and most painful disruption of friendship is the final one, when the friend dies. Visit any assisted-living residence or nursing home and you will find very old people who will tell you that everyone they were ever close to—family members and friends—is gone. Because human beings are fundamentally relational, as we explained in the last chapter, many of these elders form new friendships with fellow residents. They will tell you that these friendships are not the same as the ones with persons they had known for so many years; some will also say that they are reluctant to become close to others because they know that death haunts even the cheeriest and most progressive place where old people live. Nevertheless, spend a little time there, and you will see much evidence of people caring for one another. They check on one another’s welfare, greet one another in the hallways, share meals and activities, worry when someone’s health declines, argue about things, and joke and laugh together. What Is Friendship? 63 In “congregate living facilities” (to use terminology gerontologists sometimes employ), with a variety of types of service, ranging from very little for the socalled independent residents to skilled-nursing care and memory care, dementia can be a major challenge to social networks. The “well elderly” often actively avoid contact with those who have severe memory loss for a variety of reasons: not wanting to be reminded of their own potential for forgetfulness or simply not knowing how to interact with people who are living with dementia. On the other hand, in such settings one can also observe persons who have advanced dementia experiencing meaningful and loving friendships. Here are two stories that illustrate just a few of the many possible expressions and forms of friendship to be found today in residences for older people. Louise and her husband, Tom, have lived at the Harbor, a continuum-of-care retirement community for about one year. A retired nurse, she has been diagnosed with early stage dementia, although one might not know that on first meeting her. She and Tom feel strongly about reaching out to other people. For example, Louise describes how they make a point of inviting “new people” to sit at their table in the dining room. Both are acutely aware of the dynamics of social networks at the Harbor, especially the “clique-ish-ness” of some of the residents, who are friendly to only a select few. Louise admits, however, that despite the strong value she places on friendliness, she is not sure how to deal with people who are more confused than she. This comes up repeatedly in her bridge group. She has been an avid bridge player her whole life. The game gives her great pleasure, but she is increasingly concerned about what she should do about friends who are progressing quickly with memory loss, so much so that the shared activity they have all...

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