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47 Staying Under In the shallow end of the public swimming pool, I stood unseen behind my two older sisters, my head just above water. They counted to three and we all went under. My eyes closed against the chlorine I pictured the sun on its surface, their faces when I won. When I reached out to see if they were there my hands touched nothing. Then with both hands I held my breath down until I couldn’t feel it matter. My mother remembers the lifeguard bulleting into the pool & how her body felt like the gun that fired him, hard and still. She remembers a blue daughter coming out of the water, CPR & vomiting. My sisters remember a girl dumb enough to drown herself in three feet of water. I remember becoming the blue between sky and water. ...

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