The Cathedral Clergy: A Chronicle

Chapter 5

Chapter 5 The postmaster’s wife and her family greeted their important guest from St. Petersburg. Missus Mordokonaki, tall, fair-skinned, and majestic, delighted the gathering and made everything look drab and pitiful by comparison. Even Danka Bizyukina became flustered in her presence. Their hostess could not shower this guest with enough flattering words and surrounded her with all the most interesting people, instructing Captain Poverdovnya and Varnava Prepotensky to do their best to keep her entertained . Every individual who was the least bit inept at conversation was removed from her vicinity. Those individuals were the mayor, who had the habit, when conversing, of using the expression “Who gives a damn?”; an old major from the Caucasus region, on whose account the townspeople had coined the expression “as stupid as a major from the Caucasus”; and, along with them, Deacon Achilles. These three persons were skillfully concealed in the cool pantry, where the wine and refreshments were waiting. The exiles sat there very cozily in the dim light from one small candle and were not at all put out by their removal from the front lines. On the contrary, they were perfectly happy there. Without ceremony and in very close proximity to the refreshments, they carried on the liveliest discussion and even waxed philosophical. The major was pondering the question, Where does insolence come from? He explained its origin as the overindulgence of children and cited various examples as proof, but Achilles objected to his multiplicity of reasons and said that insolence had only two causes: “anger and, even more often, drink.” The major thought for a moment and agreed that there actually was a kind of insolence that came from drink. “It’s true, I tell you,” the deacon insisted and, after drinking a big wineglass full of homemade brandy, he began to elaborate. “I’ll even tell you what happens to me. When I’m tipsy, I’m simply wonderful because I never have any mean thoughts or do anything bad, but on the other hand, my friends, I just love to brag when I’m drunk. Really! It’s not like I do it on purpose—it just comes naturally, I guess. I’ll make up something so wild about myself that afterwards even I am totally amazed at just how that lie could’ve come out of me.” The major and the mayor laughed. “It’s true!” the deacon continued. “For instance, all of a sudden I’ll say that the parishioners went to the reverend bishop and asked him to CHAPTER 5 269 make me their priest, which I myself wouldn’t even want. Or another time I’ll insist that all the merchants in the province asked the bishop to promote me to archdeacon. And then one time—” The deacon looked around the pantry and whispered, “And then one time I blurted out that when I was young, I was secretly engaged to the daughter of the bishop’s secretary! Well, let me tell you, when people told me about my impudence later on, I nearly killed myself on account of it!” “Boy, if that got back to the secretary, you’d be in big trouble now,” the major remarked. “I sure would, sir! I’d be in huge trouble!” the deacon acknowledged and downed another glass of brandy. “Yes, and now that you’ve got me going, I’ll even tell you something else,” he continued, lowering his voice even further. “I once ended up in such a fix on account of my lying that I was very nearly tortured in public . Have you heard about it?” “No, we haven’t.” “Why, how can that be, sir? It was a horrible business. I could’ve been hanged according to the very first article of the law [on treason].” “Good Lord!” “Yes, sir, and having my head roll in the public square would’ve been nothing—on the Day of Orthodoxy3 deacons everywhere would’ve pronounced me anathema, along with Grishka Otrepyev4 and Mazepa,5 for seven thousand three hundred years!” “That can’t be!” exclaimed the major, shifting in his seat. “Why not? It could’ve happened very easily if one good man hadn’t saved me.” “So tell us the story, Father Deacon.” “I’ll just have a drink first and then I will.” Achilles downed another glass of brandy and embarked upon the story of the crime that violated the first article of the law. 3 The Day of Orthodoxy is...