Bodied Mindfulness: Women’s Spirits, Bodies and Places

5. Exclusionary Politics at Work

Five Exclusionary Politics at Work OInsider/Outsider Identities SO FAR I HAVE been discussing mindfulness with regard to spirituality and bodied knowledge, and living ethically in relation to oneself and to others. Now I shall focus primarily on social places that have defined many women's identities. A large part of each person's identity is constituted by characteristics projected by others in the communities of which they are a part. These aspects of a person's identity may be experienced as 'other-identified' or they may be internalized to become 'self-identified' qualities of a person's way of knowing themselves. Another dimension of identity is the private knowledge each person has of themselves that allows for resistance to possibly debilitating 'other-identified' images that are externally imposed on them. All three dimensions of identity (external, other-identified; internalized, otheridentified ; and private, self-identified) influence patterns of exclusion of persons from social places. Private self-identity can contribute to exclusion through rejecting the insider group's projections of identity onto outsiders . Outsiders' private knowledge of their own identities serves as a buffer against the oppressive negative identities of the dominant cultural inscriptions onto them. Exclusion is invariably a consequence of identification by others, with little or no input from the subject who is assigned to a particular social place. It is something that is done to another person or group. Subjects do not choose to be excluded, although they may choose not to be identified with a group or with another person. This chapter is largely about the labelling of women from outsiders' perspectives and the resulting places in the social order to which they are assigned. Their own private perspectives are often not part of the process that determines their destinies. The absence of a subject's own voice in the determination of their place in society often leads to the experience of self-loss. It is an inevitable consequence of treating another as an object of one's own projections and neglecting to listen to their particular expressions of selfidentity . Notes to Chapter Five are on pages 262-65. 209 210 Bodied Mindfulness Self-loss occurs when there is confusion or absence of self-identification . In radical experiences of self-loss there is no presence of self as a particular character. I had such an experience recently following an operation for lung cancer. After surgery to remove the lower two lobes of my right lung because of the cancer, complications arose with a postoperative pneumonia and empyema (infection of fluid in the pleural space). I was asked to agree to a further surgical procedure to drain the infected pleural fluid and was told that I might remain in the recovery room a couple of extra hours on a respirator to help expand the remaining upper lobe before returning to my hospital room. Instead, I woke up in the intensive care unit on a forced air respirator where I remained for approximately twenty-four hours. My arms were tied to the sides of the bed and I had tubes going down my throat as well as out my back and other places. I was unable to speak or move and was monitored by machines, with almost no personal contact from the health care workers. No one close to me was allowed to stay overnight. Throughout the night I gagged, watched the clock on the wall in front of me, and cried periodically , without being able to wipe my face. I concentrated on watching the minute hand and believed that if I closed my eyes I would disappear. It was a terrifying experience of complete aloneness on the edge of life. Finally morning arrived and my husband was allowed back in the unit. A repeat portable x-ray showed that the attempt to expand the lung was not working, presumably because of the pneumonia. Within a couple of hours the tubes were pulled out of my throat and I was released to another unit ('step-down') for further careful monitoring before being moved to a regular unit. After about two weeks I was released from the hospital with only one tube draining fluid from the chest cavity. That was removed within three weeks, but it took a few months to feel any degree of body integrity and personal security. Less than six months later I suddenly passed out one night and was subsequently found to have a brain tumour metastasis which required further surgery. After the brain tumour was...