Emigrants

A CARGO OF DREAMS

-----xv----A CARGO OF DREAMS SOMETIMES DURING THE NIGHTS the emigrants lay awake and turned in their bunks, listening to each other's movements and to all the sounds of the ship. KarlOskar: Weare on the voyage and very little is actually the way I had thought it would be. But whether it goes well or ill, I'll never regret my step. The stupidest thing a man can do is regret something that's already done, something that cannot be changed. Perhaps I have brought unhappiness upon us-we may have to suffer a great deal; and all is on my shoulders. I insisted on the emigration-if it turns out badly, I can blame only myself. If only we can get across this ocean, and land with our health. Everything I own is in this venture. With bad luck all can be lost. At home they ridiculed me. They thought I had a crazy notion. This irritates me, but I won't let it get under my skin. Why should other people necessarily like what I do? Only cowardly dogs hang about lapping up praise, waiting to have their backs scratched. I'll have to scratch my own back. And I'll never return with my wife and children to become a burden to my parish-whether our venture turns out happily or not. That pleasure I won't give anyone. No; however it goes, no one at home shall suffer because of us. There are many back there who wish me bad luck, so I must watch my step. The home folk are envious and begrudge each other success, wish hardship on each other; they would be pleased if things went wrong for me. I don't think things will begin easily for us in America. It's hard to start anew. But my health is good, and if it stays with me I can work enough to feed us. Hardship is not going to bend me; with adversity I shall work even harder, from pure anger. I'll work, all right, as soon 226 A CARGO OF DREAMS 227 as I have my land. And no one is going to cheat me-I won't put trust in the first soft-spoken stranger I meet. As I lie here with my money belt around my waist I like to touch it now and then. It gives me a sense of security to touch it when I want to. It holds all I have left of worldly possessions, changed into silver coin. It's all we have to lay our new foundation; I carry that belt night and day-no one can steal it without first killing me. Of course, all the folk here in the hold are simple farmers, and perhaps as honest and decent as I; but I never did trust strangers. I suppose the other farmers are also lying here with their money belts around their bellies. But who can know for sure that there isn't a thief on board? He wouldn't go around saying: I'm the one who steals! And in the jostle down here we are so close to each other we can look under each other's shirts. The way we lie packed together one couldn't hide even a needle from the other fellow. I have never relied on any person, except myself-and on her, of course. God be praised I have such a fine woman, industrious, thrifty, and careful of our young ones. A farmer with a wasteful, lazy, slovenly wife never can get ahead. And she came along with me, she did as I wished. But I'm afraid she will regret it, although she will say nothing. Perhaps she would rather see the whole thing undone; at times I think so. If she should begin to look back, and wish to return, what might I do then? No. She has agreed, once and for all. She is a woman of her word, she'll stick to her promise. It's bad luck she got with child at this time-it looks as though it had been planned-the very moment we left. Now she is sensitiveand I'm afraid the sea will aggravate her further. But I shall take care of her, and help her with the children where I can. Luckily, she too is in good health. We can't expect much joy on this ship. Not in any way. It may...