Jewish Choices, Jewish Voices: Sex and Intimacy

Case Study

3 Case Study ON A university campus, Pat has been dating Sam for two months, while Alex has gone out with Jamie five times in the last two weeks. Neither Pat and Sam, nor Alex and Jamie have had conversations establishing a monogamous, exclusive relationship, but in both cases, some assumptions have been made about their status as couples. One day, Alex and Pat meet, and notice an immediate chemistry; Pat asks Alex out, and Alex accepts. Does Pat have an obligation to say something to Sam? Does Alex have an obligation to Jamie? Under what circumstances is it fair to presume exclusivity? When, if at all, does one have a duty to inform someone with whom she or he is romantically involved about the possibility of dating someone else? Why? Does it matter whether Pat and Alex have had sex with Sam and Jamie, respectively? Does the obligation to inform Sam and/or Jamie change if Alex and Pat: a) had sex as a one-night stand? b) went on a date with the intention to see if there was relationship potential but did not have sex? c) went on a date to see if there was relationship potential and had sex? Does any of this change if Alex and Pat’s original relationships were heterosexual and this new coupling was a same-sex relationship? What if Alex and Pat’s original relationships were same-sex and this new coupling is heterosexual? If Pat and Sam have been dating for two years, with talk of possible marriage, and Pat decides that she or he wants to explore other relationships before committing to Sam, how does that affect Pat’s obligations to Sam? Sam’s obligations to Pat? What if Pat and Sam are already married at the time that Pat and Alex meet? At the other end of the spectrum, what if Alex and Jamie had just had a one-night stand and are leaving open the possibility that there might be more—do they have any obligations to each other? If so, what are they? If Alex and Jamie have an established relationship but have agreed not to be monogamous, what are their duties to each other? Case 1: Dating Ethics Jewish Choices, Jewish Voices: SEX AND INTIMACY 4 Traditional Sources Compiled by Uzi Weingarten and the Editors On the Duty to Treat Others with Love and Respect 1. Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 31a Hillel said: What you detest, do not do to your fellow. This is the entire Torah, all of it. The rest is commentary. Go study! 2. Sifra 7:2 on Leviticus 19:18 (and quoted by Rashi there) “Love your neighbor as yourself”: Rabbi Akiva says: This is a great principle of the Torah. 3. Babylonian Talmud, Makkot 24a Moses received 613 commandments at Sinai … Micah (6:8) came and stood them on three: “Do justice, love kindness, and walk with your God humbly.” On Sex Outside of Marriage 4. Mishnah, Ketubbot 1:5 Onewhoeatsathis[future]father-in-law’shouse[duringtheyearbetween betrothal and marriage] in [the land of] Yehudah without witnesses cannot [after the wedding night] make a claim against his fiancee’s virginity. 5. Babylonian Talmud, Yevamot 51b RabbiYehudahsaid:Azonah[aprostitute,licentiouswoman]isonewhois infertile. But the Sages said: No one is considered a zonah save a convert, or a liberated slave, or one who has had forbidden sexual relations [i.e., engaged in a forbidden sexual partnering, such as incest or adultery]. Rabbi Elazar said: If a single man comes to a single woman [for sexual relations] without the intention of marriage, he makes her into a zonah. Rabbi Amram said: The law is not according to Rabi Elazar. 6. Babylonian Talmud, Gittin 81b The House of Shammai say that a man [is willing to] make his acts of sexual intercourse the intercourse of licentiousness, while the House of Hillel say that a man does not [want to] make his acts of intercourse the intercourse of licentiousness. 5 Note: Elsewhere in the Talmud, in Yevamot 107a and Ketubbot 73a, only the House of Hillel’s position is quoted, with no indication that there is any dispute in the matter. 7. Maimonides (Rambam), Mishneh Torah, Laws of Divorce 10:19 A few of the Geonim [heads of the Babylonian rabbinic academies between 650 and 1050 C.E.] taught that any woman who sleeps with a man before witnesses [that the two entered a...